Wednesday, December 31, 2008

That day

It is hard to believe that four years ago today I buried my sweet Elijah. How those hours that we were able to hold him went too quickly. The painful breach birth, the sadness in the eyes on the nurses and our doctors face, still being filled with joy when my doctor said "its a boy", all of us knowing what the day would bring for us...and the grief to come. My doctor was wonderful, I have heard from others that theirs were not...she came in late that night an sat on my bed...what a kind and loving heart she had. Our hospital social friend...she was so supportive and caring. Friends calling or stopping by nice enough to understand that I "just couldn't". Our pasters that came quickly from holidays with their families to place their hands on me and pray. Our friend and funeral director that made the funeral happen before the New Year. I could not bear to start the New Year with a funeral. Anyone who does not believe in GOD things, if they were with us that day would....BELIEVE.

It is hard to think that I had any moments that day to reflect by myself..but as I lay sleepless in the hospital that night, I watched the news, the TV was filled with news about the Tsunami. I looked at the images and did not feel sorry for myself any longer. These people ...sssssssoooo many. Their children, spouses, families, friends all gone. Their homes, places of work, places of worship, places to provide gone. God blessed family, friends and brothers and sisters from our church rallied around us. We were able to go back to the comforts of our home and grieve...many were not able to. Though I was grieving for our loss, my heart broke for all of those on the many gone.

As another New Year approaches...I am reminded that he will fill us up, as he did four years ago, with what we need each and everyday. I trust in HIM fully. I am RENEWED in his faithfulness, grace, mercy, hope, and love.

Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy Birthday-Elijah

Happy birthday sweet are 4 years old today!! So wish I could be with you to sweetly wake you up this morning to whisper...Happy Birthday big boy. Seems like just yesterday I held you in my arms...cherishing every moment that I was allowed. Singing a special song, touching your long fingers and snuggling you and placing your head on my shoulder...
Though my heart still breaks because I miss you sssssssssssooooo much...I know that you are in loving arms... Though these last four years have gone so slow for me I know that time for you is no issue...that you do not feel the sadness or sorrow that I feel since we have been apart. You only feel an abundance of LOVE.
Not only am I your Mommy, but I am also your sister in Christ, and we will be in the FOREVER before long... I know that we both praise our Father each and everyday...just that the location is get a better view of his awesome KINGDOM.
Enjoy your day...big guy...missing you...

Saturday, December 27, 2008


As we celebrated Jesus's birth, singing, worship, time with family, presents, food and more food...I was happy to have my loved ones around many are not with us anymore and my heart breaks...within the last five years our "picture" of life has changed. Those visual snapshots that include images of people are missing people from years before. Pictures in my head that are full of memories including people that have meant so much to us. Within five years we have lost 2 good friends, my two grandma's, Shane's two grandpa's, and our two Glory babies...I remember those special ones in only snapshots in my memories...seeing friends in passing meaning to talk just a moment, but having conversations making you laugh and laugh. Spending moments at the cemetery with a friend full of laughter and tears about our Lord and his mysterious ways. I have snapshots of my grandma making her special eggnog and her hollering at my grandpa to turn up his hearing aids, or my other grandma bringing out the big box full of gifts with all the tags still on...ha..ha. Shane's grandpa last year this time...savoring every moment with all of his grandkids...mustering up enough energy to still "wrestle grandpa style"
When we were trying to get a Christmas picture of us and the kid's... I kept thinking...this is only half. Normally we would need two more spaces in this picture...and it hits me again...there will always be missing kids in my pictures, at the table, tucking in at night, sending off to the first day of kindergarten, etc...Knowing that so many other families were feeling the same way this year.
Over the last few years...I pray, sometimes not even knowing what to pray. He always listens and answers. Late one night he placed these words in my head when I was at a loss for how to pray...

God bless my children with me...with you...and are yet to come.

What a perfect prayer he placed in my heart...words to the emotion in my heart. He never fails me that is for sure...I don't know if we will ever have anymore children naturally or by adoption...but there are so many more ways to impact the lives of I think that the last part of the prayer..."and are yet to come"...he leaves the door open and the unknown yet to be seen...he is not going to let me see all of his plan yet..ha....

Praying that those who hurt because someone is missing from your snapshot, that God will soften your heart to him, and allow truth and trust in him to fill the emptiness in your heart...he will fill it up.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry CHRISTmas

Wishing you all a Merry CHRISTmas...praying all eyes that see this, will have their hearts filled with the love of our KING...I bet the celebration in heaven is quite the get together. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORD...

1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He has been there...

I love the second song down below..."I have been there." But even in his short earthly life...Jesus..just like the words say...he has been there...and them some
He has felt pain(being beaten and murdered on the cross), sorrow(he even cried when Lazarus died), fear(of what was to come for him on the cross), betrayal/loneliness(by many of his disciples and the very people he came here to save), rejection( SO many). God definitely knew what he was doing when he sent his son that was of flesh to earth to be among man. It is hard to understand or imagine what God is about...he is so large and powerful, so much of the unknown, hard for me to wrap my mind around him. Which is the way it is supposed to be. We have a better understanding of Jesus because he was of flesh. He felt all the emotions that we all do. He "was" and "is" a King among his people, walking with us every step of the way. With a sacrifice of death to serve...US...that is one great and magnificent KING...I don't know any leaders or Kings that have ever done that. That is a king I want to follow ALL of my on earth and in the FOREVER. I often look back and know that many things in my life are "God things" or the acts of a "Jesus thing" at the time chalking it up to fate...but things are always too perfect and specific to my needs to say it was fate. I know that Gods can understand us more because his son walked among us...I am sure this brings many interesting conversations between the two of the...oh to be a fly on the wall(or at the right hand of...)
When ever I start to think that NO ONE can feel how I feel, or have gone through what I have...I know that is not true because HE has been there.

When ever I struggle with issues, trials and sorrow that life brings, I try to remember that Jesus has been there...God too...No matter what is going on how great or how sad, God never leaves me for a moment(even when I wasn't a believer, his patients are truly that of a loving Father)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It all began with a night in a manger

I often wonder what that night was like...Mary placing the Son of God.. in the most humble of places...the manger.

I know what delivery is like, but only with a circus of nurses and doctors and the comforts of knowing that I could get an epidural if needed. Not in a dirty, smelly stable. Nothing against Joseph...but I think we all know how helpful husbands are even under the best circumstances.

What was that night like for Mary?

Knowing that she was about to give birth to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I would be overwhelmed. She had no idea what was ahead of her little one, who would eventually pay the biggest price for our condemned lives. Giving us a way to have eternal life.
That night must have been filled with such joy...not just with the birth of her child, but knowing he was the Son of GOD.
Such joy from a loving mother would turn into such grief. How her heart must have been breaking to watch her son be ridiculed, betrayed, beaten and killed on the cross...can't imagine that "this fate" is anything that we would want for our own children. Though without his sacrifice...where would we be? We would be given what we deserve, pain suffering, DEATH. Yes, all of us...everyone...will die...our bodies will become broken or will fail and we will die. But, knowing that there is an eternal life unlike any I can image because of my KING, gives me great HOPE and PEACE...and it all began with a night in a manger.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Glory Baby(s)

Changed my songs...and found this first one Glory Baby by Watermark. Everytime I hear it, it makes me cry, but "SO" how I feel... put to music. Never really know how to explain about my little ones not with me, but Glory Babies seems to be the perfect way to express how I feel about them and what they are to me.
Hope you enjoy the new music.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A true Thanksgiving

A I am struggling with Elijah's delivery date approaching... and just have gone through Thanksgiving, I decided that I was going to make a list of the things that I am "TRULY" thankful for not just this weekend...but "ALL DAY..EVERYDAY".
That way when December 29th comes...I can reflect and get a true perspective of what is important.

Sorry this entry is more for me to organize my thoughts.

Things that I am truly thankful for:
*God's unconditional, never-ending grace, mercy and love.
*My salvation through Jesus
*Children laughing: the kind that makes your belly sore and makes you have tears roll down your face.
*Dandelions-I know they are a weed but I love them.
*Big chunky snowflakes that take minutes to fall to the ground.
*The smell of rain approaching.
*The sight of the Colorado mountains
*Snuggling with my children on a cold Saturday morning and watching cartoons.
*Being here for the little accomplishments that my kids do and seeing the happiness in their faces when I cheer them on.
*God allowing me to conceive my four children
*A warm, safe and loving home
*Food for our family to fill their bellies
*Having long heart-to-heart talks with my daughter "M"
*When my son "I" is crying, once in my harms he stops and lays his head on my shoulder
*Catching a glimpse of the Northern Lights
*Having a loving husband who has stuck with our marriage on this crazy road we are on
*Our pound puppy Shadow
*A bubble bath...alone
*Fountain Mt. Dew
*Good, true friends
*God's word reaching out to me everyday and providing for my needs

Psalm 147
1 Praise the LORD. [a]
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.

3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.

6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.

8 He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Just Breathe

As December is approaching...I have to remind my self to breathe.
I recall the day that we went to the doctor for our "routine" ultrasound. As the ultrasound tech kept asking..."what are you here for again?" I knew something was wrong...but we could not led on, our daughter was right next to us...just breathe...I said to myself, hoping and praying that the little lungs and heart on the screen would this baby breathe. As the terrible news was given to us, and as we prepared for a funeral, I had to remind myself many times to take a breath and...............breathe. The piercing pain in my heart hurt so bad that it literally took my breath away.
Even now as I drive out of town, I have to pass his grave and always look... I have often found myself holding my breath as we pass...I think my brain is networked that way now.


I recently was listening to a interview of Steven Curtis Chapman talking about the death of their daughter...I know I am not going to get the quote right, but he commented on looking at her and praying to God to "breathe life into her body"

And that God did that, but not the way that he was praying for..not in an earthly way(which we pray for)...but in a heavenly way.
A breath of ETERNAL LIFE!

Some things are so simple and matter of fact.
As God did at the "beginning"
Genesis 2:7
from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

It is was so beautiful at "the beginning" I can't even imagine the awesome wonders he does for those joining HIM. Whatever he does or however it happens...I can only believe that is full of wonder, love, and beauty.

Friday, November 21, 2008

A tear and a toy

My daughter "M" and myself had our "date night" last night...we went for our bi-annual hair cut and went for a quick bite to eat after. She has been wanting to also get a birthday present for her brother "I". As we were in began...the what ifs' and what could have beens'. Yes, I am truly thankful to God for the two children that are with me...everyday I am reminded that they could NOT be here with me. And almost weren't...I do also start to remember that I also am missing the memories with two that are in heaven. Not only to hold and tickle and laugh with, but to buy the fun birthday and Christmas presents and to share in the Holiday traditions. I am reminded as I look at all the toys in the aisle that I would be getting gifts for a almost 8y, 4y, 3y, and 2y. UGH....then it eyes fill up and I try to hide it...from the passersby that are doing there shopping and from my daughter. Though I am quite sure she knew what was up...she tends to feel it too this time of year.
Then God reminds me that all his children are just that HIS...they are not MINE...he allowed me to watch over them for the time allowed, that Elijah and Kate(as my daughter calls him/her)are in the presence of HIM at this very moment. They know no pain just an unmeasurable amount of happiness and love.
And though we are not able to celebrate the way we hoped...we include all of our children in traditions that fit our circumstances.

Somethings we have done to include all of our little ones are:
That every child in our family gets to have a special ornament on the tree each year.

We do special Birthday cakes for each birthday

We buy gifts for our children with us from our children in heaven.

We will buy gifts around the age of our children in heaven and donate to a local charity.

Though these are a few things we do ...I would love to hear of new ideas we can use as new traditions.

AND yes, by the time we got to the check out register...the tears we gone, until I say the family with 4 kids one aisle over...ugh...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

My heart of clay

I see so many people around that have such a hard heart, angry and bitter with the way life has played out, giving them a hard heart and not feeling or seeing the pain of others around them. And their hearts filled to the top with despair(sp?) and hate.
When we are children we are full of wonder and innocence. Our hearts are soft to others and we tend to feel the pain that they are feeling, as we get older, life and sin consume us and it corrodes our hearts and tends to make them hard. At least that was what it was like for corroded my heart and made it hard like stone. Once I found Christ and excepted him into my life...a tiny crack appeared, causing the rock like casing to slowly chip away. Love and peace started to fill into my heart making it soft once more.
If one has ever had a chance to work with clay it is quite tricky. Clay must stay smooth and wet to work the best, once dry it begins to crack and can no longer be molded. But the great thing about clay is that if it drys to a rock like state, it can once again be pliable if given the chance to become wet again.
Though my heart was once hardened by this life, I was given the gift of love to change my heart from stone to clay, but my tears though pain moisten my heart and made it pliable enough to be molded into what God wants my heart to look like.

Sometimes all I have to give are tears, no words, no prayer. JUST TEARS!

Tears not only for my pain, but the pain and suffering of others around me, guaranteeing that my heart will stay softened for the purposes that God sets before me.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.-Psalm 56:8

Monday, November 10, 2008

The beautiful butterfly

NOTE...picture is not of a Monach butterfly, they were moving too fast. But this is one that landed on me.

I love to take pictures of sunsets, clouds, trees, flowers, children, butterflies almost anything. My favorite is to try to capture the beauty of something ordinary but in an unordinary light. I usually carry my camera with me all the time(nothing special just a regular small digital-though I prefer my old fashion 35 mm.) My husband got sick of me talking pictures of 20 trees and things and getting them developed, with the digital I could delete them-though I rarely do.
When you look through that camera everything seems more beautiful and vibrant, the colors pop and the item through the lens takes on its own identity.
I struggle taking pictures of moving things. I love to take pictures of my children, animals or butterflies. Butterflies are the fast and delicate, it is difficult to capture this awesome creature.
Ofter my son died, people would send me poems with all sorts of "beliefs" that the butterfly, lighting bug or the like, in the poem was actually the loved one who had passed being a "sign" that they were right there with me. Though this is comforting I don't believe my son came back as a lighting bug or butterfly. I do believe that God created these creatures to show us true beauty, and just for a brief moment show us "HIS" beauty.
My daughter always asks me question(of course I seldom know the answer-thank goodness for Google). She wanted to know about Monarch butterflies, so I began to search. As I read the information, I started to get tears in my eyes, I was saddened to read that this beautiful gift had such a short life. I assumed that they lived for years, but I was mistaken.
The research varies slightly and depending on the source you find,most will say that the adult butterfly only lives about 2-6 weeks.
How can something so sweet, beautiful and something that so many want to love and enjoy be taken away so quickly...aahh...yah...ok..ok...I get it, I get it. Thank you God for your grand and beautiful gifts, though brief, they are truly a small nap shot of your awesome grace and love and picture of what is to come with you for eternity. Thank you...Thank you!!
As a wise Forest Gump once said,"that's all I have to say about that"

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Election Day

Election day is fast matter who you are voting for I have some Election Day humor. It is a little naughty, but funny.
My daughter came home from school and was talking about the Election.
She continued to repeat what one of the girls on the playground was saying about the election...
Obama burns the American flag, and McCain wants to teach sex to Kindergartner's.

I really had to not laugh about this one.(at least where she could see me)
Thanks to this little girl at school we got to have a little teachable moment conversation about respect for the American flag and our country along with the liberties we have for others who died and fought for them...oh and the sex talk that was a good one. But I won't get into that one.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

The road less traveled

I often refer to our life with grief as a "journey" or on the "road" that we are on. I do it a lot. And people usually look at me weird, so here is a little insight into my crazy brain. When you are getting ready for a trip you tend to lay out the map and decide the best possible route to your destination. As we get older we are able to "map" out our plans for life, college/no college, married/not married, kids/no kids. The path of life is usually the interstate, many traveling the same way you are, but when you start to decide the next route...the road splits and you are down a different path. But, sometimes we get a detour...a route we did not plan on, which leads you down a totally different road...always with the intent that you will be lead back to the original road.
When we took our beloved trip to Colorado this year we too mapped out our trip...interstate to highway...highway to county road...county road to gravel road...gravel road to the road less traveled. Gravel roads in Colorado are rough...but the roads less traveled are even worse. They are full of rough terrain, rocks, loose dirt, mud, sometimes falling rocks. The worst is the one way up, you can rarely see what is around the next curve. All this builds to fear, uncertainty, concern, sadness, anger, frustration. Grief to me is like this road less traveled. Sometimes we choose this road through poor choices, but usually it is one that we would not choose for ourselves. The way up the road is full of emotion, helping me learn about myself and the person God is molding me to become from this traitorous journey. As we traveled up that road this summer...I kept thinking; "what" are we doing? We had been up this road in the past, but it seemed changed, almost worst than the last time we traveled it, and it was taking us much longer to get to the top. I felt trapped...not able to see anything but this terrible road and the tops of the trees around us...still we continued. At last, we neared the top of the road, but we looked and it was worse. How could the road be worse that when we first started, it seemed like many had turned around and headed back down, never getting to the destination. I can't blame them the road was terrible and how great could the top be? Would it be worth all this beating?
I won't keep you waiting any longer...we made it. Oh how awesome it was at the top. God had truly blessed us with a wonderful view of his majestic creation. The road led to a lake that was crisp and blue with what looked like gold flakes in it. The water appeared slick as ice except for the trout jumping high into the air trying to fill their hungry bellies. The air was so fresh and crisp but not cold. The sky was the bluest sky with only a few billowing white clouds that were so close I felt like I could touch them. And the mountains...what can I say about them...although we were "in" the mountains...there were still more amazing ones further in the distance topped with clean white snow.
Though we never would have chosen this road of grief...God has placed us gently on it, quietly walking beside us, guiding us up the road, knowing that the terrain is rough and sometimes painful. He gives us his encouragement though his word that we will not leave us alone on this road. As we work our way along the road less traveled, we are blessed with the sight of his GLORY at the top.
Remember "the road less traveled" is only there because others have traveling it prior to you, making the way up to grief and their way back down through it.

Matthew 7:14
But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Luke 3:5
Every valley shall be filled in,every mountain and hill made low.
The crooked roads shall become straight,the rough ways smooth.

Psalm 44:18
Our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path.

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A new site I found

Here is the address of site that I found. It seems like something I wish we would have not sure if all areas have access to this, but please pass on. The only problem is you would need to know about the site and its services before you needed it, so if you ever have a friend who loses a child, hopefully you could connect with them ASAP...this is kind of time sensitive.

This is a site that helps connect families with a local photographer to get pictures of the family and baby that has passed or is dying. Sad to think of but without pictures it makes thing much harder...I know the few pictures we have are memories that we all cherish.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

One foot foot in.

Lately, I have come across many people who are worried about loved ones who have "one foot in and one foot out". I know...I know, what am I talking about? Well, to me it can mean very different things, mostly one foot in pointing towards GOD(living for him) and one foot out pointing out (living for yourself and for this world). This could be a person who makes sure they show their face church on Sunday but, lives the rest of the week like any other day; or one who "believes in God" but, does just that only believes in him(you do know that Satan believes in God too...sorry just a little humor). These people come to know him...just usually not on our time table.
For me along this journey of pain and grief the last few years I have witnessed a different kind of "one foot foot out". I don't want you to think that I am the only one who has experienced grief the last few years, many around me have lost people close to them and have joined me on the "road". But, have handled it very differently, where I grew closer to my "Father", they curse him while at the same time expecting their loved one to be with HIM. I am most worried about people that feel this way.
If you are one that thinks that way...I ask that you just read on for a few more minutes.
When people around us die...we just say that they are in heaven (not going to get into a real discussion about that at this time) but, then some will curse and hate God...the one that they are hoping that their loved one is with. Just think for a second, if I told you that I was going to have your loved one, or your child live with me forever would you not want to know everything about me? If I said that there was a book that would tell you everything about me would you not want to read it?? That this book would answer your questions about me? Would you look me up on Google or ask your friends to see if they knew anything about me?
Am I a good person, am I KIND, do I help others in NEED, am I a good PROTECTOR, a COMFORTER, PROVIDER, HONEST, but most importantly...will I LOVE them?
So, if are hoping that your loved one is with GOD, would you not want to know everything about him? Would you not want to read a book about him to learn all you could...instead of cursing him and hating him?
I am not wanting to hurt anyone or be "churchy" in this entry...more just me working through my thoughts about has been eating at my heart and I have been struggling with it for some time. I am open for assistance or thoughts about it...all comments are welcome. I was just hoping to make people think about things in a different way and investigate about God a little bit. OR...maybe...believe and jump in with both feet...
If you don't have a bible and want to look things
is a great site.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A day to remember

Today (October 15th) is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Which includes all babies who have died due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or all other infant related deaths.
Please say a prayer for all of those who you know that have lost a child. Take a moment to ask them about their little one. It is not often that we(parents who have lost a child) get to utter their name or share a memory with someone about them.
If you are wanting to get involved in honoring these little ones, many communities are remembering these children through walks, balloon releases...etc.

If you are reading this blog and have lost a child...I pray for you today(and all the days ahead of you) that God will give you comfort. The road of grief is a long and rocky one. God's promise is not that we will not have trials or struggles, but that when we do... HE will be there with us every step of the way.

From him, through him and to him are ALL things.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My walk

Since I have started this blog, people have assumed that I have always been a believer or that I became a believer because of the death of our son. Neither of these is true, my walk with Christ and our Father began many...many years ago. I know this journal entry is going to be boring and will most likely be the condensed version since many things in my life that brought me to Christ are very private, but here is the short version of my walk with him.
About 8 years ago, a gal that I was doing my internship slowly became my friend. On our many drives across the county we live in she asked me "Where are you on your walk with Christ?" And I could not answer her...yes, I did not have an answer. She was not judgmental or mean like others had been in the past when talking about this whole "God thing".
I slowly became a in layers, going to church, being feed with the word (which I had never heard), but most importantly, changing my life to honor the one who gave it to me. I remember a sermon one weekend that talked about opening up your heart to Christ, excepting the gift he gave for you(Jesus dying on the cross for our sins) and letting my pride disappear. I finally figured out that I was always trying to do everything for myself and by myself...and I needed to give it all to the Lord. I was amazed the peace and love that was in my heart when I gave it all to him. All these years I was waiting...waiting and hoping that God would choose me...thinking that I was not good enough for him to choose...but all along he was the one who was waiting...waiting for me to CHOOSE HIM. I don't want you to think that a halo is over my head and that I am perfect...just the opposite...I know all my down falls and sin and struggle daily to be the person that God created me to be. My goal now in this life is to serve him...instead of serving myself.

The magnitude of my "true" faith was not shown to others(or myself) until my son died...I was always very private about my faith. Many people would ask me questions like..."how can you love God after he killed your baby?" I was not really sure how to answer a that question, but here we go...God is not evil, he is love. Can he make miracles happen? Yes...can he allow trials to creep into our lives? Yes...
But if you listen, really listen you can hear him say...Trust me...this too is for my GLORY.
Maybe the miracle is so big that we are too close to see it...that only God can see what awesome things will unfold because of one little, brief life. That is my TRUE FAITH.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dreading the day.

I am a worrier, I worry about the weather, if I get the best deal on something, or if I will make it somewhere on time. You name it I worry about it. I have always struggled with the "little stuff". So when big things come up, my tendency to worry kicks into overdrive.
As it is now October, and I can no longer fight it...December is, I do not dread it because of the Christmas shopping or decorations craziness...December is when we lost our son. October turns into November which turns into December.
For some reason the last couple of years once we hit October I start to dread "that day". If any of you have lost someone dear to you, it seems like things always circulate around certain dates. Our son was delivered on December 29th, and when we were finally able to get pregnant..our next child's due date was...yes, you guessed it December 29th. We were anxious to have to celebrate the memory of our son on the same day to celebrate the birth date of another.
I struggle so much with not worrying or being anxious. Sometimes it is just so hard. I hear the voice of the evil one trying to test and shake my faith, only to be protected by FATHERS word. I read the next three passages sometimes...ok often..ha...hope they will offer comfort to your heart if you also struggle with worry, anxiety or dread. Remember, bring it to HIM(ha), open your heart and ear to HIM and he will hold you closely.

Ephesians 6:10
John 14:1
[ Jesus Comforts His Disciples ] "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Ephesians 6:10
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the
sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Monday, October 6, 2008

The beautiful rose

I looked outside today, and even with the weather getting colder, I saw a small bud growing on my rose bush outside my window. WOW...I was so excited. This rosebush has caused me much grief over the years, not budding to overgrowing the room allowed. But today was the day...should I capture it's beauty and cut it and bring the bud inside or wait a day or two. By late after noon the flower had bloomed and was gorgeous. In just a short period of time it's life was half over. My curiosity could not be contained and I looked one more time before night fall. Could it really be true...that was it...the flower was starting to wither. I kept one more day, why so fast. Everything in my life seems to be rushing by. Every year goes by quicker than the last. We too are like that flower...offering what we can to those who pass us by, but not knowing how long we will be in bloom. I hope that I am able to offer simple treasures like that rose gave me today...I was able to have one last glimpse of summers beauty before fall comes. Even though it was for such a small time I gained so much from it's presence. I could only hope that I am able to make that small impression on those around me.

Psalm 102:11
My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.

Isaiah 40:8
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."

Saturday, October 4, 2008

What is in a name?

I just had a friend(yes you know who you are) who just had a baby. With the excitement of the birth comes the duty of naming the baby. This is no easy task. My husband and I struggled for sometime with this with our little ones. With my daughter we were told by the nurse that we needed to choose a name "now", really no pressure to decide something that will be with them forever. Though you have many months to decide you still want the perfect name, a name that fits the babies looks, personality, and sometimes family history and heritage. This is no small feat. Some people choose trendy names, some biblical, some just because the met someone with the same name and loved it. All this fuss makes me think. What really is in a name? When I think of the name Molly, I think of a little girl with red hair and freckles and sweet like pie. When I think of the name Tanner, I think of a little boy who is athletic and funny. We always had long lists of names ready to take with us to the hospital ready for that day. When we found out the news about our son, and that he had died, we didn't really look at the list this time...we chose Elijah. Many people showed their distaste for our choosing this name, and we were OK with that. We know why we chose the name...the long version(2 Kings 2) the short version is this. In the bible God took Elijah to heaven to be with him. He went up in a whirlwind. God allowed him to enter heaven without experiencing death. Cool don't you think.
So what is the meaning of God's name...I am not the best at decoding things but, I looked up a few things...Hebrew version could be Adonai meaning LORD, or my favorite is Yahweh...which is just sweetly..."I AM" not anything more. What...that's it..I am...what does that mean...ok...maybe it just means, I am. I am your father, your creator, your comforter...I am everything...I am all...I am (insert here). Maybe his name fits him perfectly, and simply. OK maybe I am thinking about this way too much...but maybe it is the perfect definition of his name (who am I to second guess GOD???)
I am...he was, he is, and he will always be. Sounds like the most powerful, sweet and comforting name to me. Maybe there is something to, "what is in a name?"
Exodus 6:2-3
Exodus 3:15

Friday, October 3, 2008

Calling all Girlfriends!!!

Hey,this blog entry is mainly for the "women" that are reading you know what time it is girls??? Oh, yah it is October(breast cancer awareness month) and that is a great reminder to do your self breast exam...or to schedule to get your mammogram. I know...I know you would rather have a root canal done, but really girls early detection is key. And who knows your body more that YOU. I also would rather do anything than "that", but believe me it will ease your mind knowing that your are doing it regularly. Here are some great resources for you all.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The clam and the pearl

I have a cute story about my daughter and thought I would share...Months ago my daughter and I were having one of our "deep thoughts" conversations. Where questions range from what do lady bugs eat(aphids(sp?)to how many teeth do sharks have(around 3,000)? This time it was about clams. Why did God make clams(Oysters)? They are not beautiful.
I know that I had my hands full with this question. When she says, "oh..oh..I know, it is because you need to have patience to have something beautiful created." Could not have answered that better myself. But, we were not done with our conversation. We went on to talk about how in Gods time(not ours) things show their beauty. Though even when a clam endures the violence of the seas and it is not beautiful to our eyes, God views it as his...and with time and patience, it creates an amazing pearl out of a tiny speck of dirt.

I have to think that we are a lot like clams. We get tossed around in this thing called life. But in Gods time and with his love we will show our true beauty...all for HIS glory. He knows that we are like that beat up clam...that with the dirt that enters our life, it is there to create a fine pearl...but only through Gods mercy, grace and patience. Many times we are broken and filled with shame and sin, but through all that he still created us. Nothing he creates is a mistake. He is truly amazing.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

FIREPROOF -Never leave your partner behind

Never leave your partner behind(said in a deep broadcasters voice)ha..ha...
If you have not seen the movie Fireproof, I encourage you to go. WOW. Who knew Kirk Cameron(sp?-for all you my know, the guy from Growing Pains) could still act. It was a great movie. You will surely have a few laughs...and it has firefighters in it (inside joke for those of you who REALLY know me.) You will laugh, but I am hope that you will also cry and it convicts you to put more effort in your marriage and how you live your live and who you are living your life for. I will not tell you too much of the story line, but it talks about the struggles that most, if not all marriages go through, and how to save your marriage. How to find TRUE love and how to give it.

Our marriage has gone through its ups and downs, but after we lost our children we were determined to not become just a #. The odds of a marriage ending in divorce are very high and then add on the loss of two children and fertility issues were were at something like 250% that we would get divorced(ok so I am exaggerating a little bit) but the odds weren't great that we would stay together.
I wish we would have been able to see this movie years ago. I hope that you all will get a chance to see this great movie...other movies to check out by the same brother team that are the director/writer are Flywheel and Facing the Giants
Here is the website to the movie and resources
To go deaper into the word check out Titus 2 and Ephesians 5:22
If you do not have a bible go to

Monday, September 22, 2008

The church that GOD built

WOW...we had such a busy is amazing how God works in my life each and everyday. Our church is adding on and had a huge celebration this weekend. We were allowed to write a verse/scripture on the beams that will support and create the new addition. I started to look up the "perfect" words that were going to be my contribution..ha...
How do you pick the best verse when the whole book(Bible) is the wise and knowing book. It is ALL the "best". As I looked at all of Gods words written down by my brothers and sisters in Christ...I got a little teary. Little kids were also doing their best to make their mark on the big beams...Awsome.
And the verse I picked you asked...Ezra 3:11

With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the LORD: "He is good: his love to Isreal endures forever"
And all the people gave a great shout of praise to the LORD, because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid.

Monday, September 15, 2008

A good cry

Last week went to a support group for families who have lost children. If you have never attempted to go to one if you have lost a child, I encourage you to go and see if it is helpful. I have only been to the meetings a few times and only seem to go when I need to go. It is sad to say, but I was comforted to hear the stories of other who have lost children to all sorts of reasons, infant death, cancer, terriable accidents, even murder. No matter how we got there, we share the same thing...GRIEF...what a terriable word. I cried the whole time...I didn't even know where it all came from...but I felt such a bond with these people...we were not alone, we had eachother to talk to, listen and most have a good cry with.
We were to go around and talk about what has helped us or comforted first comment was that I looked to my Bible to answer some questions for me while helping me fill myself with Gods love, mercy and grace. The other was to exspect the unexspected...from friends, family, strangers and myself.

Friends who where your friends may no longer choose to do so. Or people you did not even know may become your closest friends. People may say some hurtful things while trying to be kind or loving(give them a break...they are trying)
Also exspect that you could be anywhere when grief strikes you...just hope it is not in the middle of Wal-Mart

Friday, September 5, 2008

A moment with HIM

Today when I was sitting at the computer...these words came to me...and it was a voice telling to start the blog and start writing down my daily thoughs..hope they bring you comfort.

Faith is never tested on bright and sunny days.
It is when the wind bends the trees and the lighting strikes the ground...I look around for protection, but find none…then I feel a presence by my side with a hand on my shoulder and a whisper in my ear…TRUST IN ME …..

Bring it to me…lay it at my feet

I won’t forget you or leave you. Not now… not ever

Then I feel the love of forever. Unlike anything this world can offer. Time is no longer up against my back. Trials will only last for a link of an eye, like a dot in the tapestry that he has made in his GLORY…

Bring it to me…lay it at my feet

I won’t forget you or leave you. Not now not ever

The clouds retreat and the warmth of the sun beats down on me one again. As fast as the sun returns it disappears to the crashing of the storm approaching me, with no where to run I look to you ….

Comforter, Protector, Counselor…Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I feel you here…with the rain piercing my face, and the wind throwing me down into the mud, you lend me a hand and lift me high in your image…I hear the most beautiful music playing through this storm and you once again whisper in my ear.


Bring it to me…lay it at my feet

I won’t forget you or leave you. Not now… not EVER
YES!!! I have been thrown into the computer world by starting a blog. I have wanted to start one for some time to update our lives with friends and family. But I also hope to offer some companionship to other families that have lost a child. The jouney of grief is not a path that I ever would have chosen, but I am on it. A friend at church told me about a great blog Bring the Rain...Check it inspired me to write not only for others who have lost children or loved ones, but for more selfish I can track the ups and downs that our loss brings us. Hopefully showing me that I can push on one more day.

If you are wondering about the title for my blog...well...Bring it to HIM

This is the only thing that has gotten me through the last few years. I will often talk about my "FAITH" on my is the foundation for my everyday life. Bring it to HIM is exactly what it says...if you are struggling with a loss of a job, a broken marriage, grief from a death of a loved one....Bring it to HIM...God will comfort you. Please if you are not a Christian, I ask that you still continue to read and check my blog from time to time...I hope that he will give me the right words to bring to you and offer you comfort and be a testimony to his love, grace and mercy.