Sunday, April 25, 2010

Just when I think that I have this whole "grief thing" figured out...BAM...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It could be a verse, something someone this case a book that was given to me...and the worst...having someone I know also become a SISTER in this journey. Just got news that a family in our church, had their son fly to Jesus this weekend...she had shared that they knew that would be the case, but still not easy to hear about or understand. I have had a flood of emotions today for them as I am sympathizing with them ...REMEMBERING.
Remembering the crushing pain in my heart
Trying to memorize every tiny detail of my baby. Smells, touch, his fingers, his toes and how I wished I could look into his eyes and have him see the love in my eyes for him...just once.
Having such joy and pain all at the same time
Praying for one more minute...just one more.
Knowing life as I knew it would never be the same.

The thing that beaks my heart not only that I endured this but knowing that another family also is filled with such grief. and that leaving that hospital without their baby was the hardest thing they probably will ever have to. WHY, I cry out to HIM...WHY...I don't understand.

As I am sitting here asking the whys of which I don't have any answers to.

These are the things I do know that I have been given out of the unknowns.
I know that GOD the Father, Son and Holy Spirit were with me that day in the hospital.
I know that people we knew and didn't know prayed for us and we felt it.
I know that God is OK when I ask the whys, I am of course HIS child and that is what children do with their Fathers.
I know that as my water broke, God graced me with his truth to believe in him and his ways and that I am NOT to truly understand them or he whispered "trust me" sweetly with a soft and warm embrace.

Please pray for this family and the many like them.( won't give names...but pretty sure God knows who you are praying for) Pray for God to embrace them and not let go, to have this little child and the faith that his parents have be a witness to the grace and love of God. That many will come to know God in an intimate way through this little child and the family that loves him so very much.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I have definitely been slowing down on my Blogging frequency of entries...sometimes I think I have TOOOOO much going on in my head to write about any ONE thing.
This winter was brutal and I was not able to get out to the cemetery barely at all...Before this last couple of weeks weather warm up...there was a 3-4foot drift right over his headstone and no possible way to make it there to scoop it about guilt as to not being able to do those little things, the only things that I can do to be a mommy to him. Crazy I know...but I gave up years ago trying to figure out my emotions and/when/why I feel certain ways...they are what they are and I have little control or reasoning to them...grief does weird things to you.