Sunday, December 29, 2013

HEY sweet boy, HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!! A year has quickly and yet slowly passed.  You are officially 9 years old.  I can't help but wonder what you would look like, what you fill your day with, well... lets just face it... I wonder about EVERYTHING!!!

 I dream up my own version of the answers to the millions of questions I have about you.  Knowing that they can't even begin to get close to how amazing you are! 
Every birthday...I get flooded with the would have, could have beens...but, stop quickly because my heart can't bear it.  I am so grateful for all you have given me...even from heaven.  You fill me with a love that time and distance can't break apart.  I hope you too feel the overflow of my heart all these years. It is amazing that I love you so much without the physical touch and sight of you that I so desire.  That is how I know GOD is good.  Filling me up with such love despite the absence of you here with me everyday, HIS grace is sweet like honey.

I look back on the precious moments with grateful for them..though few...they are cherished and treasured times.  Remembering your tiny hand, your soft baby skin, and  "your version" of your brother and sisters face.  Cherished!!! 

I pray that you had a special day, being loved on by those that have gone before me.  I pray that GOD has given you a special job in heaven, so that you may serve him daily, basking in his gentle and everlasting presence.  Hearing the songs of praise by all who honor and serve the Father and his SON.   What sweet sounds those must be, can't even imagine!

 SO happy birthday sweet boy, one year closer to eternity with you.  Sending hugs and kisses to the tip of heaven for you. 

Friday, December 28, 2012

Happy birthday~

I know for all of you that follow the blog...I have not written in one year...that does not mean that I am "over" the pain of loosing Elijah, but GOD has also asked me to walk down not only the path of grief and loss for my Glory babies, but also to adopt two kiddos with mental health, behavioral and special can follow me on this site also but be is not for the faint hearted.

But as this day is fully about my little guy and remembering I go.

Happy birthday precious boy!!! It is hard for me to imagine that 8 years ago I said hello and goodbye to you all in one brief, precious and bittersweet moment.  All of my memories with you are a few moments that will have to last me a lifetime.  I think of you everyday and try to not have my brain go to the should have and could have beens...and GOD gives me peace in the WHAT IS!  The WHAT get to be in the presence of our LORD...the one who was, is and will always be...WOW...the WHAT get to see things that my mind can't even imagine...since there is nothing on earth that could compare to the creation in heaven from the CREATOR.  The WHAT love is nothing in comparison to the heavenly FATHER that shows you his amazing love every moment of everyday for ETERNITY!  WOW....WOW...

I so desire to hold your sweet face and give you a tender MOMMY kiss...knowing that the last one I gave you doesn't cover the in between time til I see you again.  I hear people say "scripture" when grief happens but until your heart is broken...and you feel, taste and breath the truth of GOD's all is just words...but I have praised HIM when HE gave you to us...and I praise HIM...when you left us. 

I miss you Elijah and pray that you daily are touched by the light of the LORD..that his power and majesty warms your face and that his love overflows your heart. 
One more year closer to eternity with my LORD and you sweet you to the edge of the heavens!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2011


Happy birthday sweet boy. 7 years may have passed and I do fine most days, BUT, lately, my heart aches for you like the moments after I just lost you. I miss you so badly. This is always such a bitter sweet day, the day I met you and lost you all at once. I wish I could be a normal mommy to you celebrating in a special way. I can only send my thoughts and prayers your way, which somehow seem empty since my heart is breaking and struggles to find the special words to put together to let you know how precious and how much I love you with no real way of showing you.

I am praying you are having a wonderful birthday, can't even begin to imagine what a celebration is like in HEAVEN. I am sure no Hy-vee bakery cake could compare. I imagine laughter and songs. I imagine warmth on the skin of all around from the bright light from our FATHER. I imagine so much love...from the Trinity and from those there with you. I imagine lots of hugs...
Sending many blessings to you my sweet boy(yes, I know you are 7. But you are still my little boy!!!) Praying that the time between us are just moments for you...until I meet you at the tip of the stars...sending my love to heaven!!!

Sunday, October 9, 2011 has been forever since I have written anything. Been wanting to all summer but a girl has to work on her tan. Ok, so I am not tan, but life has been crazy here. The other night I was watching "Facing the Giants" (great movie by the way) around midnight(yes...I got sucked in). There are some great lines in that movie that have been heavy on my heart today.
Question One..."why did God make me so small and weak?"
Answer..."to show how MIGHTY HE is!!"
(HUMBLING-vision of me singing that in opera)

Question Two..."If God does not give us a baby, will you still love him"
You will have to watch the movie to get the answer for the characters...but for me, it was not so much, will you still love him if he does not answer your prayer, it has been, will you still love him...when he gives and takes away?

Tough questions, with tough, hard and painful answers...but the answer for me is "YES, I WILL "STILL" LOVE YOU!!!" True love is not shown on the easy days or petty trials, it is when the BIG things hit. BAM! KA-PAW (Me using my ninja moves. Sometimes showing your love and faith is not only for God's Glory, but to also show the evil one who your loyalty and faithfulness is to. I often think of the story of stuff...and God thinking wow...that is my boy, you can do it...stay strong in ME!
That is all I have got for now...until my next up all night movie time.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies!! And those who desire to be a Mommy SO BADLY. I pray for those who's Mom's are not here to celebrate with and those who's children are not here to hug.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Who am I? I am a Mommy of 6, two beautiful birth children, two amazing adopted children and two heavenly babies. I am a child of GOD. I am a child who struggles each and everyday to follow, understand and obey my Father. I am a mommy that has two children with special needs...and most days I feel like I have failed in every way. I am over worked and underpaid. I don't get vacation time or even time to shower(most days). I don't drive a nice car like my friends, mine is rusted and has over 175,000 miles. I am never put together or have the latest trends in clothes. I have pimple break outs more than I did in high school, and I gained way more than a few pounds since then. I don't keep a clean house and can't cook great meals. When I decide to get may hair involves myself, a pair of scissors and something that comes out of a box purchased from Target. That is who I bling...bling...just the plain honest truth. BUT I REJOICE!!!!
I rejoice for brothers and sisters in Christ, that love me as their sister, hold me accountable, and remind me of the Fathers truths through his word. I rejoice that Jesus paid it all for me, though I DO NOT DESERVE IT. I rejoice that GOD is still God and never changes. I rejoice in contentment in EVERY season, because HE gives me the patience, strength and FAITH to believe...Everything is FOR and IN

Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Allowing yourself to have JOY

It has taken a long time to truly allow the joy back into my life. WITHOUT GUILT. Loss sucks!!!! There is no "eloquent" way to put it. It consumes, suffocates and at times...stops you from living. Sometimes, when I would hear a joke and start to smirk...guilt would set in...a voice saying, "what kind of mom are you that your babies are dead and your laughing at a stupid joke." Now realizing that was Satan speaking in my ear, Yeah...I don't listen to his UNtruths.

I know there is a time for everything. A time to lay in bed or wallow, but there is also a time for JOY...a simple thing to most, but I have struggled. I wrote about a year ago about the Mason Jar that I was placing things in, to remind me of life, the gifts the father gives me and that I was still alive and allowing myself to have Joy once again.
Things in my jar...a receipt for groceries...he provides
A rock my son had given me...he provides
School pictures of my daughter...he provides
A buckeye nut from my parents yard...representing I
survived another fall...he provides

As the jar has slowly started to fill has my heart and life. As I would look through the old blueish glass...I could not deny my life was full, just like my Jar of Joy...

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.

AMEN FATHER, your truths strike my heart like an arrow...allowing the untruths to escape, making room for the love and comfort of your words and path you prepare for me.