Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy birthday big guy

Hey little guy it's your big sis I know you don't know me as well.I only saw you once .But I still miss you a LOT. Every once and a while I daydream Me,Mom,your little brother,You,and Dad going to a movie together and I have to take You and your little brother to the bathroom.But I'd rather do that NOW then have you gone now .So bye little bro.I miss you

Love,Big Sis

HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!

How could another year go by so quickly. Bittersweet...the years passby and I remember the years without you, but with every passing year is also one more year closer to our reunion. I remember this day so well, every moment because it is all I have of you. Your long fingers, your hair, your silly face that looks like your sister and brother. Just you.
I wanted to have my birthday letter tell you the things that you have taught me and brought to my life...I know that if you were would say "MOM" and be all embarrassed, but I am going to do it anyway.(Insert...big wet smooch on your face)

You brought me the skill of patience...patience to have more children,patience in having no control over anything, but most importantly, patience to the time that is in between us until I embrace you again.

True Love: Knowing and feeling true love. It boggles my mind how strongly I can love you without having you here. I know that we are connected with a tether that GOD created...and that can never be broken...I am your Mommy and you are my distance, no one, no thing can break that. EVER. You also allowed me to openly feel the true love of our heavenly father...and you gave me the freedom to allow HIM to hold me in a tight embrace all these years.

A love for more children: You have given me the desire to not give up, to get back up and to be a better Mommy. Loving even the tough times and rejoicing in them. Knowing how quickly they could be gone.

A stronger love for our FATHER: I had to give you to HIM with an open and truly trusting heart. Not understanding why you were gone and away from me...but knowing our GOD has great plans for you. And that I must fully entrust you to him for his GLORY.

Seeing the ripple effect that you caused in so many people. Some turned bitter and cursed GOD, while others with an open heart started to question their walk with CHRIST and are on the path of the gospel. AMEN. GOOD work little guy. That is what it is all about.

Wishing you a wonderful birthday surrounded by the sound and sight of love. I love you so much and wish I could give you a big hug and smooch, long enough to embarrass you...BIG TIME!!! Thank you for the blessings that you have given have taught me so much little guy. Until we meet on the tip of the you!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry CHRISTmas

My adult CHRISTmas list: All that do not know love will find it and embrace it with an open heart, those who are lost will be found, children that suffer will never know pain or grief again only true love and comfort while being safe and having a full belly. The world will not worry about the small stuff that fills their lives, but will give to others and be filled with joy to do so more and more everyday. That those who do not know Christ will listen, open their hearts and minds to the truth and feel it within. That those who have lost a loved one and ache everyday, will find comfort that will last this earthly life that through Christ, they will never have to say goodbye. AMEN

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Thought I would share this great video...don't forget to mute music at bottom of counter...

A gift from a brother

Last week I took my children out to the cemetery, too cold for the littler ones, but my son wanted to get out and "see the stone". I was there to change things out from summer/fall to more winter flowers. My parents had placed a fire truck for Elijah. My guy was very excited about this toy..."this is the coolest thing ever". He asked who put it we went through the whole story about Elijah and that this is where he is buried and that people place special things at his grave to show that they love him. My guy asked..."Mom, do you think my brother will let me borrow his fire truck?" Tears streamed down my face..the question took my breath away. "Yes, I think Elijah would love to share his toys with you." Never in a million years did I think that they would ever be able to share toys...not how I had hoped, but still sharing them in a special and intimate way.

God gave me a special gift that day.

Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.

Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.

Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.

I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Remembering his smell, his skin, his hair, his smile, his fingers and toes...but then I remember...his still giggles, no cry, no breath. I feel crazy sometimes to cherish moments that most would think was taboo. As this month continues and we get closer to Elijah's delivery anniversary date...I am amazed with the anxiety and grief that still has a hold of me... for "that day" to get here...not as bad as it used to be...but still amazed...6 years later... My whole body still aches for him. My words are not eloquent or full of wisdom...the truth is...I just miss the thought of everything that would be him. His room, his clothes all over the house...his book bag, tripping over his shoes by the door...all things him.
God please give comfort, peace and Hope to mommies who have lost and long for their children. Helping day by day and sometimes minute by minute to offer us love from you Father to know your ways are more amazing and grand that we can even imagine.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Adoption DAY!!!

I have not posted anything until today about this...partly because I wanted it to actually happen before I posted...but, we have adopted 2 children TODAY!

YES, I said 2 and today.
We have been foster parents for sometime...but had not had a placement until January of this year...the children placed in our home had a termination from their parents so we knew that adoption would be an long story short. WE ARE THEIR FOREVER FAMILY!!
I am sure I will post more about it...but I just wanted to share the info, I am about to explode with excitement.
Looking back now...I see GOD's story for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself...always in HIS timing... giving me a page at a time...and not letting me read to the end. I will share more about this all later but wanted to share the GOOD NEWS.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tick...tick...tick...time to be "over it"

When is it time to get "over it"...the loss of a loved one? Others always give you advise on when it is time to move on, get over it or just stop thinking about it and it will go if the "it" is empty and ready to be disposed of. The "it" is my grief for a child I will never know and get to hold and love on. The "it" is my grief that is so piercing that some days I feel like if I take one more breath that my heart may break into pieces... The "it" is what makes others uncomfortable and that "it" bothers them and that they would feel much better if I moved on.

The "it" is a strong motherly love that I have for a child I do not know. The "it" is the journey that brings me closer to my FATHER, relying on HIM and his grace, love comfort and POWER!

A cancer survivor may have visible scars of their sufferings and illness~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who is severely injured in a accident may have life altering disabilities~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who has lost their house or possessions in a natural disaster~do others tell them to get over "it"?
All of these individuals have experiences tragedy and will forever be changed by the events that caused them such grief.

But families who have lost a loved one are socially expected to get over "it". Our scars are one can see them, our pain is medicine or aspirin can help, our loss is the duration of our earthly lives. We take it with us...everywhere we go, to a baby shower for a friend, a music concert at school for the class your child should have been in, a graduation party that your child will never get to have. I invision myself in in my 90's STILL loving the children that are not with me, because that is what Mommies do...we love our "it" children even though we don't get to feel, touch, see, smell them. They are ours and no timetable others set for us will help us in our "it" journey...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Missing the Bus

It is that time of year...crisp air, digging to find one pair of jeans among the shorts...and school. The hustle and bustle of school, school supplies and the excitement of children getting back to their friends and the joy of learning new things. In my head I knew it was coming, but I kept telling myself that "no...not this are adding it up wrong". But my heart knew the truth...Elijah would be racing around the house in the morning...wolfing down breakfast, shoving stuff in his bag and racing out the door...LOUDLY...I am quite sure. We who have lost loved ones always have those "days", anniversary days of the day they left us, the day of their birth, the day that they would have been, should have....gone to school. I can say that it was not nearly as painful as I in visioned this day years ago. But...still it rocked my core a little...
Sometimes, I just sit there and dream a little dream that it is just him and I and we get to do something "normal". Playing on a swing, getting groceries, or splitting a Blizzard treat. Dreaming of just sitting and listening to him talk about his friends, how he loves to play sports, and those intimate conversations about love and GOD. In my dream he has so many questions...who made me, what does God look like...How did Noah build the Ark....quickly the dream ends and I am in reality again...knowing that in eternal life...Elijah knows all the answers to those GOD questions...he is embraced by the truth everyday. He eternally lives with the knowledge that most 5 year old don't have. Getting to praise the one true GOD-Live and in person.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

When tragedy happens,..that is when the should, have, could have and whys come into the mind...the doubt, the guilt, the fear. Those are all from the evil one.
But also comes the MIRACLE'S...the miracle's... They are all from HIM.

We all hear about the miracle's of a child having cancer and then going it a doctors visit and is gone...a miracle.

The family that is losing their home...then...BAM...they get a check in the mail or a glitch in the system allows them to keep their home.

Those are all done in his glory...yes...tradgety does happen and he allows this broken world to work its course... giving a different road for his glory to be shown...slower, more intense and often with many sad and grief filled days to get to the finally destination of seeing that he is the one true GOD and he is wonderful in ALL THINGS...but he also does allow a shorter road for his glory to me shown and that is when miracles happen...things that only can be explained by the presence and power of GOD.

Years ago after my son had died, my daughter and I were going to go into I got on the interstate, and was in a hurry as I always am...there was a slow dump truck in front of me...and I was going to pass...but a voice in my head said..slow down and take your I decided to not pass a semi-truck passed me and the dump truck in front of he went to pass the dump truck...he pulled over to quickly and hit the dump truck in front of me and the semi rolled and went into the ditch...the truck in front of me got stopped and I got stopped and did not hit him...MIRICLE...the dump truck driver was ok...MIRICLE...the semi driver was alive and ok...MIRICLE...and no one else driving on the interstate was hurt because of traffic being at a stand still...MIRACLE... If only one thing would have been different...a second, a minute...a turn here or there...or if I would have passed that dump would have been my car that the semi hit and not a big dump truck...MIRACLE. We may never see his total plan or thought for this that happen as long as we are here and not standing before him...looked at this passage this week...and seemed to fit all my thoughts this week about his ways are always not our own...and shows that he is truly bigger and more powerful than we can even imagine.

Isaiah 55:8-13 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Just when I think that I have this whole "grief thing" figured out...BAM...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It could be a verse, something someone this case a book that was given to me...and the worst...having someone I know also become a SISTER in this journey. Just got news that a family in our church, had their son fly to Jesus this weekend...she had shared that they knew that would be the case, but still not easy to hear about or understand. I have had a flood of emotions today for them as I am sympathizing with them ...REMEMBERING.
Remembering the crushing pain in my heart
Trying to memorize every tiny detail of my baby. Smells, touch, his fingers, his toes and how I wished I could look into his eyes and have him see the love in my eyes for him...just once.
Having such joy and pain all at the same time
Praying for one more minute...just one more.
Knowing life as I knew it would never be the same.

The thing that beaks my heart not only that I endured this but knowing that another family also is filled with such grief. and that leaving that hospital without their baby was the hardest thing they probably will ever have to. WHY, I cry out to HIM...WHY...I don't understand.

As I am sitting here asking the whys of which I don't have any answers to.

These are the things I do know that I have been given out of the unknowns.
I know that GOD the Father, Son and Holy Spirit were with me that day in the hospital.
I know that people we knew and didn't know prayed for us and we felt it.
I know that God is OK when I ask the whys, I am of course HIS child and that is what children do with their Fathers.
I know that as my water broke, God graced me with his truth to believe in him and his ways and that I am NOT to truly understand them or he whispered "trust me" sweetly with a soft and warm embrace.

Please pray for this family and the many like them.( won't give names...but pretty sure God knows who you are praying for) Pray for God to embrace them and not let go, to have this little child and the faith that his parents have be a witness to the grace and love of God. That many will come to know God in an intimate way through this little child and the family that loves him so very much.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I have definitely been slowing down on my Blogging frequency of entries...sometimes I think I have TOOOOO much going on in my head to write about any ONE thing.
This winter was brutal and I was not able to get out to the cemetery barely at all...Before this last couple of weeks weather warm up...there was a 3-4foot drift right over his headstone and no possible way to make it there to scoop it about guilt as to not being able to do those little things, the only things that I can do to be a mommy to him. Crazy I know...but I gave up years ago trying to figure out my emotions and/when/why I feel certain ways...they are what they are and I have little control or reasoning to them...grief does weird things to you.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

His gifts of HOPE

God always gives you what you need when you need it...that is for sure.
Winter has been long...way to long, and my spirits have been sun, cold weather, and busy life makes me one tired, and worn-out gal...and still struggling with my Iron levels so that adds to the tiredness.
We also have heard news that someone we know will need to have surgery soon. Which just has made me feel helpless and sad. But HE once again fills me with his hope.
Not saying it was a "sign" but I do know that GOD is in control of ALL his creatures and happened to place this one in my path.
On the way back from town eagle flew right over us...WOW...what an amazing may be cares...but eagles are special to me. After our son crisp and EARLY morning, my husband had woken me up to show me the eagle in our neighbors tree. As it flew over us, you could feel the true power and mightiness of the beautiful creature. AND a HOPE for something that we can't truly touch or control...LIFE on this earth. So when I saw the eagle yesterday, it was truly a gift and reminder in HIS power, love and sign of HOPE. HOPE in everything, not just when you get your way or a prayer answered, but especially when you don't. He and only he knows what the best plan to every request is.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Thought for today

Have a thought for today…not my own thought of course...” borrowed “ it from our pastors sermon, just added a little to it.

Live in the truth and the light of the LORD..not the darkness of sin and evil…Satan is nocteral and delights in your darkness.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

When I started my blog and was looking for the right name to entitle it..."Bring it to HIM" was the perfect choice...that is what I had been doing to survive this grief journey after loosing our son and baby "K". I was giving it ALL to pain, sorrow, anger, worry, weakness, all my sin, and all the other feelings that were in the whirlwind of pain that was consuming my heart. I placed these all at his feet and with a loving and merciful heart he took them ALL.
But since then, he is helping me mature in my faith. And I feel that Bring it to HIM has so much more meaning now. Bring him your PRAISE, so others can see who you credit for your blessings and happiness...Yes we live in a broken world...and lots of things that are terrible hold tight to him when you are suffering but don't forget to acknowledge the one who walks along side you during these trials...GOD the father...and who pulls you out of the trial by your hand...stronger and having a better understanding of his love for you...GOD the father.
So I bring LOVE, and Praise...Bring him my trust that everything from the way I look, to the destructive decisions that I have made, the sorrow that I have suffered is all part of his divine plan to refine my FAITH in HIM...he is an awesome him for pulling you out of the valley and when he places you on the mountain top...Glory be to GOD in ALL things!!!!