Wednesday, December 31, 2008

That day

It is hard to believe that four years ago today I buried my sweet Elijah. How those hours that we were able to hold him went too quickly. The painful breach birth, the sadness in the eyes on the nurses and our doctors face, still being filled with joy when my doctor said "its a boy", all of us knowing what the day would bring for us...and the grief to come. My doctor was wonderful, I have heard from others that theirs were not...she came in late that night an sat on my bed...what a kind and loving heart she had. Our hospital social friend...she was so supportive and caring. Friends calling or stopping by nice enough to understand that I "just couldn't". Our pasters that came quickly from holidays with their families to place their hands on me and pray. Our friend and funeral director that made the funeral happen before the New Year. I could not bear to start the New Year with a funeral. Anyone who does not believe in GOD things, if they were with us that day would....BELIEVE.

It is hard to think that I had any moments that day to reflect by myself..but as I lay sleepless in the hospital that night, I watched the news, the TV was filled with news about the Tsunami. I looked at the images and did not feel sorry for myself any longer. These people ...sssssssoooo many. Their children, spouses, families, friends all gone. Their homes, places of work, places of worship, places to provide gone. God blessed family, friends and brothers and sisters from our church rallied around us. We were able to go back to the comforts of our home and grieve...many were not able to. Though I was grieving for our loss, my heart broke for all of those on the many gone.

As another New Year approaches...I am reminded that he will fill us up, as he did four years ago, with what we need each and everyday. I trust in HIM fully. I am RENEWED in his faithfulness, grace, mercy, hope, and love.

Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy Birthday-Elijah

Happy birthday sweet are 4 years old today!! So wish I could be with you to sweetly wake you up this morning to whisper...Happy Birthday big boy. Seems like just yesterday I held you in my arms...cherishing every moment that I was allowed. Singing a special song, touching your long fingers and snuggling you and placing your head on my shoulder...
Though my heart still breaks because I miss you sssssssssssooooo much...I know that you are in loving arms... Though these last four years have gone so slow for me I know that time for you is no issue...that you do not feel the sadness or sorrow that I feel since we have been apart. You only feel an abundance of LOVE.
Not only am I your Mommy, but I am also your sister in Christ, and we will be in the FOREVER before long... I know that we both praise our Father each and everyday...just that the location is get a better view of his awesome KINGDOM.
Enjoy your day...big guy...missing you...

Saturday, December 27, 2008


As we celebrated Jesus's birth, singing, worship, time with family, presents, food and more food...I was happy to have my loved ones around many are not with us anymore and my heart breaks...within the last five years our "picture" of life has changed. Those visual snapshots that include images of people are missing people from years before. Pictures in my head that are full of memories including people that have meant so much to us. Within five years we have lost 2 good friends, my two grandma's, Shane's two grandpa's, and our two Glory babies...I remember those special ones in only snapshots in my memories...seeing friends in passing meaning to talk just a moment, but having conversations making you laugh and laugh. Spending moments at the cemetery with a friend full of laughter and tears about our Lord and his mysterious ways. I have snapshots of my grandma making her special eggnog and her hollering at my grandpa to turn up his hearing aids, or my other grandma bringing out the big box full of gifts with all the tags still on...ha..ha. Shane's grandpa last year this time...savoring every moment with all of his grandkids...mustering up enough energy to still "wrestle grandpa style"
When we were trying to get a Christmas picture of us and the kid's... I kept thinking...this is only half. Normally we would need two more spaces in this picture...and it hits me again...there will always be missing kids in my pictures, at the table, tucking in at night, sending off to the first day of kindergarten, etc...Knowing that so many other families were feeling the same way this year.
Over the last few years...I pray, sometimes not even knowing what to pray. He always listens and answers. Late one night he placed these words in my head when I was at a loss for how to pray...

God bless my children with me...with you...and are yet to come.

What a perfect prayer he placed in my heart...words to the emotion in my heart. He never fails me that is for sure...I don't know if we will ever have anymore children naturally or by adoption...but there are so many more ways to impact the lives of I think that the last part of the prayer..."and are yet to come"...he leaves the door open and the unknown yet to be seen...he is not going to let me see all of his plan yet..ha....

Praying that those who hurt because someone is missing from your snapshot, that God will soften your heart to him, and allow truth and trust in him to fill the emptiness in your heart...he will fill it up.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry CHRISTmas

Wishing you all a Merry CHRISTmas...praying all eyes that see this, will have their hearts filled with the love of our KING...I bet the celebration in heaven is quite the get together. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORD...

1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He has been there...

I love the second song down below..."I have been there." But even in his short earthly life...Jesus..just like the words say...he has been there...and them some
He has felt pain(being beaten and murdered on the cross), sorrow(he even cried when Lazarus died), fear(of what was to come for him on the cross), betrayal/loneliness(by many of his disciples and the very people he came here to save), rejection( SO many). God definitely knew what he was doing when he sent his son that was of flesh to earth to be among man. It is hard to understand or imagine what God is about...he is so large and powerful, so much of the unknown, hard for me to wrap my mind around him. Which is the way it is supposed to be. We have a better understanding of Jesus because he was of flesh. He felt all the emotions that we all do. He "was" and "is" a King among his people, walking with us every step of the way. With a sacrifice of death to serve...US...that is one great and magnificent KING...I don't know any leaders or Kings that have ever done that. That is a king I want to follow ALL of my on earth and in the FOREVER. I often look back and know that many things in my life are "God things" or the acts of a "Jesus thing" at the time chalking it up to fate...but things are always too perfect and specific to my needs to say it was fate. I know that Gods can understand us more because his son walked among us...I am sure this brings many interesting conversations between the two of the...oh to be a fly on the wall(or at the right hand of...)
When ever I start to think that NO ONE can feel how I feel, or have gone through what I have...I know that is not true because HE has been there.

When ever I struggle with issues, trials and sorrow that life brings, I try to remember that Jesus has been there...God too...No matter what is going on how great or how sad, God never leaves me for a moment(even when I wasn't a believer, his patients are truly that of a loving Father)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It all began with a night in a manger

I often wonder what that night was like...Mary placing the Son of God.. in the most humble of places...the manger.

I know what delivery is like, but only with a circus of nurses and doctors and the comforts of knowing that I could get an epidural if needed. Not in a dirty, smelly stable. Nothing against Joseph...but I think we all know how helpful husbands are even under the best circumstances.

What was that night like for Mary?

Knowing that she was about to give birth to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I would be overwhelmed. She had no idea what was ahead of her little one, who would eventually pay the biggest price for our condemned lives. Giving us a way to have eternal life.
That night must have been filled with such joy...not just with the birth of her child, but knowing he was the Son of GOD.
Such joy from a loving mother would turn into such grief. How her heart must have been breaking to watch her son be ridiculed, betrayed, beaten and killed on the cross...can't imagine that "this fate" is anything that we would want for our own children. Though without his sacrifice...where would we be? We would be given what we deserve, pain suffering, DEATH. Yes, all of us...everyone...will die...our bodies will become broken or will fail and we will die. But, knowing that there is an eternal life unlike any I can image because of my KING, gives me great HOPE and PEACE...and it all began with a night in a manger.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Glory Baby(s)

Changed my songs...and found this first one Glory Baby by Watermark. Everytime I hear it, it makes me cry, but "SO" how I feel... put to music. Never really know how to explain about my little ones not with me, but Glory Babies seems to be the perfect way to express how I feel about them and what they are to me.
Hope you enjoy the new music.