Waiting out the wait

No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet...though if feels like it...have not been feeling well...Don't worry,I don't believe it is anything too serious. But while I have been having blood tests done, I am reminded once again that I am not mortal...got me thinking about the when, where and how I will leave this world. I know we usually don't get the "heads up" on that one, but I often use the term "waiting out the wait" or "out waiting the wait"(you can let me know what is grammatically correct). You can take that a few different ways, but for me in this life..."I am waiting"...waiting for when I am in Heaven, waiting for my service on earth do be done, waiting to be reunited with other believing loved ones..and most of all waiting to be in the presence of "HIM."

I have a new understanding of the "wait" not only since becoming a believer, but also at the loses that have happened to our family over the last few years...in the last five years we have lost so many that we love, cherish and miss daily.

Ok...get ready..I am going to say a scary word to some of you ...but death(there I said it) has a different look to me. Don't get me wrong...I want to see my kids grow up, meet my grand kids..etc. I want to do good things for those around me and my community, I want to retire, get old and work at Wal-mart handing out happy face stickers to all the kids(little joke around here due to lack of a 401K).

Get ready...going to say it again. Death looks less scary...inviting...comforting and most of all HOME. So I wait as if I am going on the best anticipated vacation EVER. Packing nothing but the love that has been passed to me. Waiting...for the chance to hold my Elijah who I never really got to know and for the first time meet my other baby...though we have never laid eyes on each other...I am quite sure I will know them when I see them. I pray that with one embrace my special children feel all the love that I have had and been saving for only them all these years. So until I am called HOME...I wait. Some days the wait seems short, like time on earth is going so fast but other days it seems like I am just standing still...as I am waiting out the wait.

This song says it ALL!
I could not have said it better myself...Happy Mother's Day to all that are Mom's...who will be...or pray to be...may God provide the strength to endure whatever road you are on.
(REMINDER---pause music Playlist at bottom to hear the youtub video)

I (with his help) did it!

All of you that know me...know that I LOVE MT. DEW!!! Or even a cheap mark off, Hillbilly Holler is my fave. But for lent I decided to refrain from my evil little crutch. I didn't realize how much I depended on it...not the caffeine just the taste. So I did it...not once did I "fall off of the wagon". And can you believe this...I still have not had one drop of Mt. Dew even after Easter. I can't even believe it myself. GOD is good and way stronger than I am...thank goodness for prayer...always listens and never fails...I started writing this email on 4/21 and still on 5/6 have not had any...I know it seems silly but to me it is a very big deal. I have not been feeling well lately so trying to change my "life style eating habits" hopefully will help. Now if I could just learn to stomach...peas...ugh..yuck!

The cross

I am so excited about this Easter...(no not just because I can drink Mt. Dew again)
Ever since I became a believer...every "Christian" holiday means more and more to me every year. Mainly because during the past year, I feel like I have grown so much in my faith in God. Do I know everything...aaahhh NO...do I have so much more to learn...aaahhh YEAH!
I am truely so greatful for the price that Jesus paid for all of us. I could not imagine knowing how your life would end, and in such a violent way...yet he died for us anyway even knowing what was ahead of him.
So may you all be full in the spirit of Easter and not only for the PEEPS or tasty food or candy eggs...but for the CROSS.
He came and left...so we could leave and come to HIM.
REJOICE IN HIM AND HIS FATHER!!!




BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER
by Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Ok, done with that!

Though I will not apologize for yesterday's post...I was speaking what was in my heart and the whole reason I post things is to see my progress in my journey(or in this case regression).
Yesterdays rant and rage is over and done with...My FATHER...sat me down last night and gave me a firm "talking to"...if he was my earthly father, I so would be grounded until the end of summer. He basically told me to get over it...and that I am not God that HE IS...there is no disputing that statement. So as I am still frustrated and burdened by the issue, he knows my heart and hears my cry to him...He helped me see that even though some persons openly express their disbelief and feelings about their "unwanted" child(ren)...they are GOD's first and foremost...and they are wanted...BY HIM.

A weak and bitter heart

Some of you may know that we got our Foster/Adoption licence last year and have not had a placement yet or an adoption call. Since we have had so many issues getting pregnant and dealing with the "what if something bad happens again" we hoped that we could add to our family by adoption.
So all of this "WHEN" and "WAITING" has been heavy on my heart anyway; but lately, the evil one has taken my heart in his hand, and will not let go...slowly squeezing it, making me bitter and angry at so many in this world. IT is everywhere, in the news, in your community, in your own backyard. People who show so little respect for the creation of life. Like the creating a life is no big deal, comparing it to filling the car up with gas, or buying a shirt.
So many families that I know right now would love to have a child, but are stricken with infertility. Or as I am writing this...sitting by their dying child's bed...crying out to GOD to spare their child and make them healthy again. I struggle with this from time to time...the carelessness of some people's actions and comments about not "wanting" children they(and God) have created. I am not questioning God's decisions in life, he is GOD. My heart goes to the single, pregnant young women who doesn't know what to do or where to turn, stricken with so many fears and an uncertain future. That would be such a scary place to be by its self, let alone if they also did not have loving family and friends supporting and helping them...UGH! I struggle with the careless actions of people who are supposed to be adults that actually say that they do not want the child they carry. I am pretty sure we all know where babies come from since the 6th grade...so saying that you don't understand how it happened seems a little silly.

Please pray for me as I struggle with this bitterness, that my Lord will show his grand words to me at the right time. That I will have a renewed heart in trusting in HIM and his HEAVENLY wisdom and not the wisdom that I think I posses.

Please pray also for the children that have parents that openly say that they regret having them or saying they are a mistake or unwanted...those words will forever ring in the ears of those children...Though no love is close in comparison to our heavenly FATHER, pray that at least one person in that child's earthly life will show them kindness, compassion and LOVE.

What did I give up for Lent?

Our church is going about Lent in a different way this year...they are asking that we read through Psalm 46-1...for the days between Ash Wednesday and Easter...they also thought people may want to refrain from something during this time...some are fasting...but I know that I would most likely end up in the hospital if I did that, so I was trying to think of something that I enjoy and brings me comfort and would offer a struggle to refrain from..you guessed it, it is Mt. Dew. I wanted to give up something that brings me comfort to lean more on God and how he can comfort me. I think we all rely on some "thing" to comfort us from time to time...don't get me wrong...I am not saying that anything is wrong or bad about that...but I was putting these "things" high on my list, relying on my little fountain friend far to much.

He brings me comfort, He provides less stress, He takes my worries away, He is my safety "to" the storm, "in" the storm, and "away" from the storm...

My fave verses this week are:(hope His words give you strength and comfort)

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God