Who am I? I am a Mommy of 6, two beautiful birth children, two amazing adopted children and two heavenly babies. I am a child of GOD. I am a child who struggles each and everyday to follow, understand and obey my Father. I am a mommy that has two children with special needs...and most days I feel like I have failed in every way. I am over worked and underpaid. I don't get vacation time or even time to shower(most days). I don't drive a nice car like my friends, mine is rusted and has over 175,000 miles. I am never put together or have the latest trends in clothes. I have pimple break outs more than I did in high school, and I gained way more than a few pounds since then. I don't keep a clean house and can't cook great meals. When I decide to get may hair done...it involves myself, a pair of scissors and something that comes out of a box purchased from Target. That is who I am...no bling...bling...just the plain honest truth. BUT I REJOICE!!!!
I rejoice for brothers and sisters in Christ, that love me as their sister, hold me accountable, and remind me of the Fathers truths through his word. I rejoice that Jesus paid it all for me, though I DO NOT DESERVE IT. I rejoice that GOD is still God and never changes. I rejoice in contentment in EVERY season, because HE gives me the patience, strength and FAITH to believe...Everything is FOR and IN

HIS GLORY!!!

Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Allowing yourself to have JOY

It has taken a long time to truly allow the joy back into my life. WITHOUT GUILT. Loss sucks!!!! There is no "eloquent" way to put it. It consumes, suffocates and at times...stops you from living. Sometimes, when I would hear a joke and start to smirk...guilt would set in...a voice saying, "what kind of mom are you that your babies are dead and your laughing at a stupid joke." Now realizing that was Satan speaking in my ear, Yeah...I don't listen to his UNtruths.

I know there is a time for everything. A time to lay in bed or wallow, but there is also a time for JOY...a simple thing to most, but I have struggled. I wrote about a year ago about the Mason Jar that I was placing things in, to remind me of life, the gifts the father gives me and that I was still alive and allowing myself to have Joy once again.
Things in my jar...a receipt for groceries...he provides
A rock my son had given me...he provides
School pictures of my daughter...he provides
A buckeye nut from my parents yard...representing I
survived another fall...he provides

As the jar has slowly started to fill up...so has my heart and life. As I would look through the old blueish glass...I could not deny my life was full, just like my Jar of Joy...


Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.



AMEN FATHER, your truths strike my heart like an arrow...allowing the untruths to escape, making room for the love and comfort of your words and path you prepare for me.

Happy birthday big guy

Hey little guy it's your big sis I know you don't know me as well.I only saw you once .But I still miss you a LOT. Every once and a while I daydream Me,Mom,your little brother,You,and Dad going to a movie together and I have to take You and your little brother to the bathroom.But I'd rather do that NOW then have you gone now .So bye little bro.I miss you

Love,Big Sis

HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!

Elijah,
How could another year go by so quickly. Bittersweet...the years passby and I remember the years without you, but with every passing year is also one more year closer to our reunion. I remember this day so well, every moment because it is all I have of you. Your long fingers, your hair, your silly face that looks like your sister and brother. Just you.
I wanted to have my birthday letter tell you the things that you have taught me and brought to my life...I know that if you were here...you would say "MOM" and be all embarrassed, but I am going to do it anyway.(Insert...big wet smooch on your face)

You brought me the skill of patience...patience to have more children,patience in having no control over anything, but most importantly, patience to the time that is in between us until I embrace you again.

True Love: Knowing and feeling true love. It boggles my mind how strongly I can love you without having you here. I know that we are connected with a tether that GOD created...and that can never be broken...I am your Mommy and you are my guy...no distance, no one, no thing can break that. EVER. You also allowed me to openly feel the true love of our heavenly father...and you gave me the freedom to allow HIM to hold me in a tight embrace all these years.

A love for more children: You have given me the desire to not give up, to get back up and to be a better Mommy. Loving even the tough times and rejoicing in them. Knowing how quickly they could be gone.

A stronger love for our FATHER: I had to give you to HIM with an open and truly trusting heart. Not understanding why you were gone and away from me...but knowing our GOD has great plans for you. And that I must fully entrust you to him for his GLORY.

Seeing the ripple effect that you caused in so many people. Some turned bitter and cursed GOD, while others with an open heart started to question their walk with CHRIST and are on the path of the gospel. AMEN. GOOD work little guy. That is what it is all about.

Wishing you a wonderful birthday surrounded by the sound and sight of love. I love you so much and wish I could give you a big hug and smooch, long enough to embarrass you...BIG TIME!!! Thank you for the blessings that you have given me...you have taught me so much little guy. Until we meet on the tip of the heavens...love you!!!

Merry CHRISTmas

My adult CHRISTmas list: All that do not know love will find it and embrace it with an open heart, those who are lost will be found, children that suffer will never know pain or grief again only true love and comfort while being safe and having a full belly. The world will not worry about the small stuff that fills their lives, but will give to others and be filled with joy to do so more and more everyday. That those who do not know Christ will listen, open their hearts and minds to the truth and feel it within. That those who have lost a loved one and ache everyday, will find comfort that will last this earthly life that through Christ, they will never have to say goodbye. AMEN

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Thought I would share this great video...don't forget to mute music at bottom of page...by counter...

A gift from a brother

Last week I took my children out to the cemetery, too cold for the littler ones, but my son wanted to get out and "see the stone". I was there to change things out from summer/fall to more winter flowers. My parents had placed a fire truck for Elijah. My guy was very excited about this toy..."this is the coolest thing ever". He asked who put it here...so we went through the whole story about Elijah and that this is where he is buried and that people place special things at his grave to show that they love him. My guy asked..."Mom, do you think my brother will let me borrow his fire truck?" Tears streamed down my face..the question took my breath away. "Yes, I think Elijah would love to share his toys with you." Never in a million years did I think that they would ever be able to share toys...not how I had hoped, but still sharing them in a special and intimate way.

God gave me a special gift that day.

Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.

Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.

Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.

I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.