Elijah,
How could another year go by so quickly. Bittersweet...the years passby and I remember the years without you, but with every passing year is also one more year closer to our reunion. I remember this day so well, every moment because it is all I have of you. Your long fingers, your hair, your silly face that looks like your sister and brother. Just you.
I wanted to have my birthday letter tell you the things that you have taught me and brought to my life...I know that if you were here...you would say "MOM" and be all embarrassed, but I am going to do it anyway.(Insert...big wet smooch on your face)
You brought me the skill of patience...patience to have more children,patience in having no control over anything, but most importantly, patience to the time that is in between us until I embrace you again.
True Love: Knowing and feeling true love. It boggles my mind how strongly I can love you without having you here. I know that we are connected with a tether that GOD created...and that can never be broken...I am your Mommy and you are my guy...no distance, no one, no thing can break that. EVER. You also allowed me to openly feel the true love of our heavenly father...and you gave me the freedom to allow HIM to hold me in a tight embrace all these years.
A love for more children: You have given me the desire to not give up, to get back up and to be a better Mommy. Loving even the tough times and rejoicing in them. Knowing how quickly they could be gone.
A stronger love for our FATHER: I had to give you to HIM with an open and truly trusting heart. Not understanding why you were gone and away from me...but knowing our GOD has great plans for you. And that I must fully entrust you to him for his GLORY.
Seeing the ripple effect that you caused in so many people. Some turned bitter and cursed GOD, while others with an open heart started to question their walk with CHRIST and are on the path of the gospel. AMEN. GOOD work little guy. That is what it is all about.
Wishing you a wonderful birthday surrounded by the sound and sight of love. I love you so much and wish I could give you a big hug and smooch, long enough to embarrass you...BIG TIME!!! Thank you for the blessings that you have given me...you have taught me so much little guy. Until we meet on the tip of the heavens...love you!!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry CHRISTmas
My adult CHRISTmas list: All that do not know love will find it and embrace it with an open heart, those who are lost will be found, children that suffer will never know pain or grief again only true love and comfort while being safe and having a full belly. The world will not worry about the small stuff that fills their lives, but will give to others and be filled with joy to do so more and more everyday. That those who do not know Christ will listen, open their hearts and minds to the truth and feel it within. That those who have lost a loved one and ache everyday, will find comfort that will last this earthly life that through Christ, they will never have to say goodbye. AMEN
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Matthew West - My Own Little World
Thought I would share this great video...don't forget to mute music at bottom of page...by counter...
A gift from a brother
Last week I took my children out to the cemetery, too cold for the littler ones, but my son wanted to get out and "see the stone". I was there to change things out from summer/fall to more winter flowers. My parents had placed a fire truck for Elijah. My guy was very excited about this toy..."this is the coolest thing ever". He asked who put it here...so we went through the whole story about Elijah and that this is where he is buried and that people place special things at his grave to show that they love him. My guy asked..."Mom, do you think my brother will let me borrow his fire truck?" Tears streamed down my face..the question took my breath away. "Yes, I think Elijah would love to share his toys with you." Never in a million years did I think that they would ever be able to share toys...not how I had hoped, but still sharing them in a special and intimate way.
God gave me a special gift that day.
Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.
Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.
Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.
I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.
God gave me a special gift that day.
Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.
Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.
Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.
I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Remembering
Remembering...
Remembering his smell, his skin, his hair, his smile, his fingers and toes...but then I remember...his still body....no giggles, no cry, no breath. I feel crazy sometimes to cherish moments that most would think was taboo. As this month continues and we get closer to Elijah's delivery anniversary date...I am amazed with the anxiety and grief that still has a hold of me... for "that day" to get here...not as bad as it used to be...but still amazed...6 years later... My whole body still aches for him. My words are not eloquent or full of wisdom...the truth is...I just miss the thought of everything that would be him. His room, his clothes all over the house...his book bag, tripping over his shoes by the door...all things him.
God please give comfort, peace and Hope to mommies who have lost and long for their children. Helping day by day and sometimes minute by minute to offer us love from you Father to know your ways are more amazing and grand that we can even imagine.
Remembering his smell, his skin, his hair, his smile, his fingers and toes...but then I remember...his still body....no giggles, no cry, no breath. I feel crazy sometimes to cherish moments that most would think was taboo. As this month continues and we get closer to Elijah's delivery anniversary date...I am amazed with the anxiety and grief that still has a hold of me... for "that day" to get here...not as bad as it used to be...but still amazed...6 years later... My whole body still aches for him. My words are not eloquent or full of wisdom...the truth is...I just miss the thought of everything that would be him. His room, his clothes all over the house...his book bag, tripping over his shoes by the door...all things him.
God please give comfort, peace and Hope to mommies who have lost and long for their children. Helping day by day and sometimes minute by minute to offer us love from you Father to know your ways are more amazing and grand that we can even imagine.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Adoption DAY!!!
I have not posted anything until today about this...partly because I wanted it to actually happen before I posted...but, we have adopted 2 children TODAY!
YES, I said 2 and today.
We have been foster parents for sometime...but had not had a placement until January of this year...the children placed in our home had a termination from their parents so we knew that adoption would be an option...so long story short. WE ARE THEIR FOREVER FAMILY!!
I am sure I will post more about it...but I just wanted to share the info, I am about to explode with excitement.
Looking back now...I see GOD's story for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself...always in HIS timing... giving me a page at a time...and not letting me read to the end. I will share more about this all later but wanted to share the GOOD NEWS.
GLORY BE TO GOD IN ALL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN.
YES, I said 2 and today.
We have been foster parents for sometime...but had not had a placement until January of this year...the children placed in our home had a termination from their parents so we knew that adoption would be an option...so long story short. WE ARE THEIR FOREVER FAMILY!!
I am sure I will post more about it...but I just wanted to share the info, I am about to explode with excitement.
Looking back now...I see GOD's story for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself...always in HIS timing... giving me a page at a time...and not letting me read to the end. I will share more about this all later but wanted to share the GOOD NEWS.
GLORY BE TO GOD IN ALL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tick...tick...tick...time to be "over it"
When is it time to get "over it"...the loss of a loved one? Others always give you advise on when it is time to move on, get over it or just stop thinking about it and it will go away...as if the "it" is empty and ready to be disposed of. The "it" is my grief for a child I will never know and get to hold and love on. The "it" is my grief that is so piercing that some days I feel like if I take one more breath that my heart may break into pieces... The "it" is what makes others uncomfortable and that "it" bothers them and that they would feel much better if I moved on.
The "it" is a strong motherly love that I have for a child I do not know. The "it" is the journey that brings me closer to my FATHER, relying on HIM and his grace, love comfort and POWER!
A cancer survivor may have visible scars of their sufferings and illness~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who is severely injured in a accident may have life altering disabilities~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who has lost their house or possessions in a natural disaster~do others tell them to get over "it"?
All of these individuals have experiences tragedy and will forever be changed by the events that caused them such grief.
But families who have lost a loved one are socially expected to get over "it". Our scars are internal...no one can see them, our pain is silent...no medicine or aspirin can help, our loss is the duration of our earthly lives. We take it with us...everywhere we go, to a baby shower for a friend, a music concert at school for the class your child should have been in, a graduation party that your child will never get to have. I invision myself in in my 90's STILL loving the children that are not with me, because that is what Mommies do...we love our "it" children even though we don't get to feel, touch, see, smell them. They are ours and no timetable others set for us will help us in our "it" journey...
The "it" is a strong motherly love that I have for a child I do not know. The "it" is the journey that brings me closer to my FATHER, relying on HIM and his grace, love comfort and POWER!
A cancer survivor may have visible scars of their sufferings and illness~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who is severely injured in a accident may have life altering disabilities~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who has lost their house or possessions in a natural disaster~do others tell them to get over "it"?
All of these individuals have experiences tragedy and will forever be changed by the events that caused them such grief.
But families who have lost a loved one are socially expected to get over "it". Our scars are internal...no one can see them, our pain is silent...no medicine or aspirin can help, our loss is the duration of our earthly lives. We take it with us...everywhere we go, to a baby shower for a friend, a music concert at school for the class your child should have been in, a graduation party that your child will never get to have. I invision myself in in my 90's STILL loving the children that are not with me, because that is what Mommies do...we love our "it" children even though we don't get to feel, touch, see, smell them. They are ours and no timetable others set for us will help us in our "it" journey...
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