Merry CHRISTmas

My adult CHRISTmas list: All that do not know love will find it and embrace it with an open heart, those who are lost will be found, children that suffer will never know pain or grief again only true love and comfort while being safe and having a full belly. The world will not worry about the small stuff that fills their lives, but will give to others and be filled with joy to do so more and more everyday. That those who do not know Christ will listen, open their hearts and minds to the truth and feel it within. That those who have lost a loved one and ache everyday, will find comfort that will last this earthly life that through Christ, they will never have to say goodbye. AMEN

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Thought I would share this great video...don't forget to mute music at bottom of page...by counter...

A gift from a brother

Last week I took my children out to the cemetery, too cold for the littler ones, but my son wanted to get out and "see the stone". I was there to change things out from summer/fall to more winter flowers. My parents had placed a fire truck for Elijah. My guy was very excited about this toy..."this is the coolest thing ever". He asked who put it here...so we went through the whole story about Elijah and that this is where he is buried and that people place special things at his grave to show that they love him. My guy asked..."Mom, do you think my brother will let me borrow his fire truck?" Tears streamed down my face..the question took my breath away. "Yes, I think Elijah would love to share his toys with you." Never in a million years did I think that they would ever be able to share toys...not how I had hoped, but still sharing them in a special and intimate way.

God gave me a special gift that day.

Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.

Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.

Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.

I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.

Remembering

Remembering...
Remembering his smell, his skin, his hair, his smile, his fingers and toes...but then I remember...his still body....no giggles, no cry, no breath. I feel crazy sometimes to cherish moments that most would think was taboo. As this month continues and we get closer to Elijah's delivery anniversary date...I am amazed with the anxiety and grief that still has a hold of me... for "that day" to get here...not as bad as it used to be...but still amazed...6 years later... My whole body still aches for him. My words are not eloquent or full of wisdom...the truth is...I just miss the thought of everything that would be him. His room, his clothes all over the house...his book bag, tripping over his shoes by the door...all things him.
God please give comfort, peace and Hope to mommies who have lost and long for their children. Helping day by day and sometimes minute by minute to offer us love from you Father to know your ways are more amazing and grand that we can even imagine.

Adoption DAY!!!

I have not posted anything until today about this...partly because I wanted it to actually happen before I posted...but, we have adopted 2 children TODAY!

YES, I said 2 and today.
We have been foster parents for sometime...but had not had a placement until January of this year...the children placed in our home had a termination from their parents so we knew that adoption would be an option...so long story short. WE ARE THEIR FOREVER FAMILY!!
I am sure I will post more about it...but I just wanted to share the info, I am about to explode with excitement.
Looking back now...I see GOD's story for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself...always in HIS timing... giving me a page at a time...and not letting me read to the end. I will share more about this all later but wanted to share the GOOD NEWS.
GLORY BE TO GOD IN ALL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN.

Tick...tick...tick...time to be "over it"

When is it time to get "over it"...the loss of a loved one? Others always give you advise on when it is time to move on, get over it or just stop thinking about it and it will go away...as if the "it" is empty and ready to be disposed of. The "it" is my grief for a child I will never know and get to hold and love on. The "it" is my grief that is so piercing that some days I feel like if I take one more breath that my heart may break into pieces... The "it" is what makes others uncomfortable and that "it" bothers them and that they would feel much better if I moved on.

The "it" is a strong motherly love that I have for a child I do not know. The "it" is the journey that brings me closer to my FATHER, relying on HIM and his grace, love comfort and POWER!

A cancer survivor may have visible scars of their sufferings and illness~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who is severely injured in a accident may have life altering disabilities~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who has lost their house or possessions in a natural disaster~do others tell them to get over "it"?
All of these individuals have experiences tragedy and will forever be changed by the events that caused them such grief.

But families who have lost a loved one are socially expected to get over "it". Our scars are internal...no one can see them, our pain is silent...no medicine or aspirin can help, our loss is the duration of our earthly lives. We take it with us...everywhere we go, to a baby shower for a friend, a music concert at school for the class your child should have been in, a graduation party that your child will never get to have. I invision myself in in my 90's STILL loving the children that are not with me, because that is what Mommies do...we love our "it" children even though we don't get to feel, touch, see, smell them. They are ours and no timetable others set for us will help us in our "it" journey...

Missing the Bus

It is that time of year...crisp air, digging to find one pair of jeans among the shorts...and school. The hustle and bustle of school, school supplies and the excitement of children getting back to their friends and the joy of learning new things. In my head I knew it was coming, but I kept telling myself that "no...not this year...you are adding it up wrong". But my heart knew the truth...Elijah would be racing around the house in the morning...wolfing down breakfast, shoving stuff in his bag and racing out the door...LOUDLY...I am quite sure. We who have lost loved ones always have those "days", anniversary days of the day they left us, the day of their birth, the day that they would have been, should have....gone to school. I can say that it was not nearly as painful as I in visioned this day years ago. But...still it rocked my core a little...
Sometimes, I just sit there and dream a little dream that it is just him and I and we get to do something "normal". Playing on a swing, getting groceries, or splitting a Blizzard treat. Dreaming of just sitting and listening to him talk about his friends, how he loves to play sports, and those intimate conversations about love and GOD. In my dream he has so many questions...who made me, what does God look like...How did Noah build the Ark....quickly the dream ends and I am in reality again...knowing that in eternal life...Elijah knows all the answers to those GOD questions...he is embraced by the truth everyday. He eternally lives with the knowledge that most 5 year old don't have. Getting to praise the one true GOD-Live and in person.