HEY sweet boy, HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!! A year has quickly and yet slowly passed.  You are officially 9 years old.  I can't help but wonder what you would look like, what you fill your day with, well... lets just face it... I wonder about EVERYTHING!!!

 I dream up my own version of the answers to the millions of questions I have about you.  Knowing that they can't even begin to get close to how amazing you are! 
Every birthday...I get flooded with the would have, could have beens...but, stop quickly because my heart can't bear it.  I am so grateful for all you have given me...even from heaven.  You fill me with a love that time and distance can't break apart.  I hope you too feel the overflow of my heart all these years. It is amazing that I love you so much without the physical touch and sight of you that I so desire.  That is how I know GOD is good.  Filling me up with such love despite the absence of you here with me everyday, HIS grace is sweet like honey.

I look back on the precious moments with you...so grateful for them..though few...they are cherished and treasured times.  Remembering your tiny hand, your soft baby skin, and  "your version" of your brother and sisters face.  Cherished!!! 

I pray that you had a special day, being loved on by those that have gone before me.  I pray that GOD has given you a special job in heaven, so that you may serve him daily, basking in his gentle and everlasting presence.  Hearing the songs of praise by all who honor and serve the Father and his SON.   What sweet sounds those must be, can't even imagine!

 SO happy birthday sweet boy, one year closer to eternity with you.  Sending hugs and kisses to the tip of heaven for you. 

Happy birthday~

I know for all of you that follow the blog...I have not written in one year...that does not mean that I am "over" the pain of loosing Elijah, but GOD has also asked me to walk down not only the path of grief and loss for my Glory babies, but also to adopt two kiddos with mental health, behavioral and special needs...you can follow me on this site also but be forewarned...it is not for the faint hearted.  http://gloryevenhere.blogspot.com/

But as this day is fully about my little guy and remembering him...here I go.


Happy birthday precious boy!!! It is hard for me to imagine that 8 years ago I said hello and goodbye to you all in one brief, precious and bittersweet moment.  All of my memories with you are a few moments that will have to last me a lifetime.  I think of you everyday and try to not have my brain go to the should have and could have beens...and GOD gives me peace in the WHAT IS!  The WHAT IS...you get to be in the presence of our LORD...the one who was, is and will always be...WOW...the WHAT IS...you get to see things that my mind can't even imagine...since there is nothing on earth that could compare to the creation in heaven from the CREATOR.  The WHAT IS...my love is nothing in comparison to the heavenly FATHER that shows you his amazing love every moment of everyday for ETERNITY!  WOW....WOW...

I so desire to hold your sweet face and give you a tender MOMMY kiss...knowing that the last one I gave you doesn't cover the in between time til I see you again.  I hear people say "scripture" when grief happens but until your heart is broken...and you feel, taste and breath the truth of GOD's word...it all is just words...but I have praised HIM when HE gave you to us...and I praise HIM...when you left us. 

I miss you Elijah and pray that you daily are touched by the light of the LORD..that his power and majesty warms your face and that his love overflows your heart. 
One more year closer to eternity with my LORD and you sweet boy....love you to the edge of the heavens!!!!!!!

Remembering

Happy birthday sweet boy. 7 years may have passed and I do fine most days, BUT, lately, my heart aches for you like the moments after I just lost you. I miss you so badly. This is always such a bitter sweet day, the day I met you and lost you all at once. I wish I could be a normal mommy to you celebrating in a special way. I can only send my thoughts and prayers your way, which somehow seem empty since my heart is breaking and struggles to find the special words to put together to let you know how precious and how much I love you with no real way of showing you.

I am praying you are having a wonderful birthday, can't even begin to imagine what a celebration is like in HEAVEN. I am sure no Hy-vee bakery cake could compare. I imagine laughter and songs. I imagine warmth on the skin of all around from the bright light from our FATHER. I imagine so much love...from the Trinity and from those there with you. I imagine lots of hugs...
Sending many blessings to you my sweet boy(yes, I know you are 7. But you are still my little boy!!!) Praying that the time between us are just moments for you...until I meet you at the tip of the stars...sending my love to heaven!!!
MOMMY

WOW...it has been forever since I have written anything. Been wanting to all summer but a girl has to work on her tan. Ok, so I am not tan, but life has been crazy here. The other night I was watching "Facing the Giants" (great movie by the way) around midnight(yes...I got sucked in). There are some great lines in that movie that have been heavy on my heart today.
Question One..."why did God make me so small and weak?"
Answer..."to show how MIGHTY HE is!!"
(HUMBLING-vision of me singing that in opera)

Question Two..."If God does not give us a baby, will you still love him"
You will have to watch the movie to get the answer for the characters...but for me, it was not so much, will you still love him if he does not answer your prayer, it has been, will you still love him...when he gives and takes away?

Tough questions, with tough, hard and painful answers...but the answer for me is "YES, I WILL "STILL" LOVE YOU!!!" True love is not shown on the easy days or petty trials, it is when the BIG things hit. BAM! KA-PAW (Me using my ninja moves. Sometimes showing your love and faith is not only for God's Glory, but to also show the evil one who your loyalty and faithfulness is to. I often think of the story of Job...wow...heavy stuff...and God thinking wow...that is my boy, you can do it...stay strong in ME!
That is all I have got for now...until my next up all night movie time.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies!! And those who desire to be a Mommy SO BADLY. I pray for those who's Mom's are not here to celebrate with and those who's children are not here to hug.

Who am I? I am a Mommy of 6, two beautiful birth children, two amazing adopted children and two heavenly babies. I am a child of GOD. I am a child who struggles each and everyday to follow, understand and obey my Father. I am a mommy that has two children with special needs...and most days I feel like I have failed in every way. I am over worked and underpaid. I don't get vacation time or even time to shower(most days). I don't drive a nice car like my friends, mine is rusted and has over 175,000 miles. I am never put together or have the latest trends in clothes. I have pimple break outs more than I did in high school, and I gained way more than a few pounds since then. I don't keep a clean house and can't cook great meals. When I decide to get may hair done...it involves myself, a pair of scissors and something that comes out of a box purchased from Target. That is who I am...no bling...bling...just the plain honest truth. BUT I REJOICE!!!!
I rejoice for brothers and sisters in Christ, that love me as their sister, hold me accountable, and remind me of the Fathers truths through his word. I rejoice that Jesus paid it all for me, though I DO NOT DESERVE IT. I rejoice that GOD is still God and never changes. I rejoice in contentment in EVERY season, because HE gives me the patience, strength and FAITH to believe...Everything is FOR and IN

HIS GLORY!!!

Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Allowing yourself to have JOY

It has taken a long time to truly allow the joy back into my life. WITHOUT GUILT. Loss sucks!!!! There is no "eloquent" way to put it. It consumes, suffocates and at times...stops you from living. Sometimes, when I would hear a joke and start to smirk...guilt would set in...a voice saying, "what kind of mom are you that your babies are dead and your laughing at a stupid joke." Now realizing that was Satan speaking in my ear, Yeah...I don't listen to his UNtruths.

I know there is a time for everything. A time to lay in bed or wallow, but there is also a time for JOY...a simple thing to most, but I have struggled. I wrote about a year ago about the Mason Jar that I was placing things in, to remind me of life, the gifts the father gives me and that I was still alive and allowing myself to have Joy once again.
Things in my jar...a receipt for groceries...he provides
A rock my son had given me...he provides
School pictures of my daughter...he provides
A buckeye nut from my parents yard...representing I
survived another fall...he provides

As the jar has slowly started to fill up...so has my heart and life. As I would look through the old blueish glass...I could not deny my life was full, just like my Jar of Joy...


Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.



AMEN FATHER, your truths strike my heart like an arrow...allowing the untruths to escape, making room for the love and comfort of your words and path you prepare for me.

Happy birthday big guy

Hey little guy it's your big sis I know you don't know me as well.I only saw you once .But I still miss you a LOT. Every once and a while I daydream Me,Mom,your little brother,You,and Dad going to a movie together and I have to take You and your little brother to the bathroom.But I'd rather do that NOW then have you gone now .So bye little bro.I miss you

Love,Big Sis

HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!

Elijah,
How could another year go by so quickly. Bittersweet...the years passby and I remember the years without you, but with every passing year is also one more year closer to our reunion. I remember this day so well, every moment because it is all I have of you. Your long fingers, your hair, your silly face that looks like your sister and brother. Just you.
I wanted to have my birthday letter tell you the things that you have taught me and brought to my life...I know that if you were here...you would say "MOM" and be all embarrassed, but I am going to do it anyway.(Insert...big wet smooch on your face)

You brought me the skill of patience...patience to have more children,patience in having no control over anything, but most importantly, patience to the time that is in between us until I embrace you again.

True Love: Knowing and feeling true love. It boggles my mind how strongly I can love you without having you here. I know that we are connected with a tether that GOD created...and that can never be broken...I am your Mommy and you are my guy...no distance, no one, no thing can break that. EVER. You also allowed me to openly feel the true love of our heavenly father...and you gave me the freedom to allow HIM to hold me in a tight embrace all these years.

A love for more children: You have given me the desire to not give up, to get back up and to be a better Mommy. Loving even the tough times and rejoicing in them. Knowing how quickly they could be gone.

A stronger love for our FATHER: I had to give you to HIM with an open and truly trusting heart. Not understanding why you were gone and away from me...but knowing our GOD has great plans for you. And that I must fully entrust you to him for his GLORY.

Seeing the ripple effect that you caused in so many people. Some turned bitter and cursed GOD, while others with an open heart started to question their walk with CHRIST and are on the path of the gospel. AMEN. GOOD work little guy. That is what it is all about.

Wishing you a wonderful birthday surrounded by the sound and sight of love. I love you so much and wish I could give you a big hug and smooch, long enough to embarrass you...BIG TIME!!! Thank you for the blessings that you have given me...you have taught me so much little guy. Until we meet on the tip of the heavens...love you!!!

Merry CHRISTmas

My adult CHRISTmas list: All that do not know love will find it and embrace it with an open heart, those who are lost will be found, children that suffer will never know pain or grief again only true love and comfort while being safe and having a full belly. The world will not worry about the small stuff that fills their lives, but will give to others and be filled with joy to do so more and more everyday. That those who do not know Christ will listen, open their hearts and minds to the truth and feel it within. That those who have lost a loved one and ache everyday, will find comfort that will last this earthly life that through Christ, they will never have to say goodbye. AMEN

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Thought I would share this great video...don't forget to mute music at bottom of page...by counter...

A gift from a brother

Last week I took my children out to the cemetery, too cold for the littler ones, but my son wanted to get out and "see the stone". I was there to change things out from summer/fall to more winter flowers. My parents had placed a fire truck for Elijah. My guy was very excited about this toy..."this is the coolest thing ever". He asked who put it here...so we went through the whole story about Elijah and that this is where he is buried and that people place special things at his grave to show that they love him. My guy asked..."Mom, do you think my brother will let me borrow his fire truck?" Tears streamed down my face..the question took my breath away. "Yes, I think Elijah would love to share his toys with you." Never in a million years did I think that they would ever be able to share toys...not how I had hoped, but still sharing them in a special and intimate way.

God gave me a special gift that day.

Allowing my youngest son's life to be touched my his absent older brother.

Allowing a connection and a brotherly love without ever meeting each other.

Allowing my son to know that when he meets God and Jesus, that his brother whose heart is bound to his, will be waiting to meet him.

I know that GOD places these moments before me as a constant reminder that he still remembers me and my pain...offering me HOPE and peace about his will. His ways are always mysterious and complicated. But my heart is aligned with his, and I know that his ways are more majestic than I could ever create or plan for.

Remembering

Remembering...
Remembering his smell, his skin, his hair, his smile, his fingers and toes...but then I remember...his still body....no giggles, no cry, no breath. I feel crazy sometimes to cherish moments that most would think was taboo. As this month continues and we get closer to Elijah's delivery anniversary date...I am amazed with the anxiety and grief that still has a hold of me... for "that day" to get here...not as bad as it used to be...but still amazed...6 years later... My whole body still aches for him. My words are not eloquent or full of wisdom...the truth is...I just miss the thought of everything that would be him. His room, his clothes all over the house...his book bag, tripping over his shoes by the door...all things him.
God please give comfort, peace and Hope to mommies who have lost and long for their children. Helping day by day and sometimes minute by minute to offer us love from you Father to know your ways are more amazing and grand that we can even imagine.

Adoption DAY!!!

I have not posted anything until today about this...partly because I wanted it to actually happen before I posted...but, we have adopted 2 children TODAY!

YES, I said 2 and today.
We have been foster parents for sometime...but had not had a placement until January of this year...the children placed in our home had a termination from their parents so we knew that adoption would be an option...so long story short. WE ARE THEIR FOREVER FAMILY!!
I am sure I will post more about it...but I just wanted to share the info, I am about to explode with excitement.
Looking back now...I see GOD's story for me is greater than I could ever imagine for myself...always in HIS timing... giving me a page at a time...and not letting me read to the end. I will share more about this all later but wanted to share the GOOD NEWS.
GLORY BE TO GOD IN ALL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMEN.

Tick...tick...tick...time to be "over it"

When is it time to get "over it"...the loss of a loved one? Others always give you advise on when it is time to move on, get over it or just stop thinking about it and it will go away...as if the "it" is empty and ready to be disposed of. The "it" is my grief for a child I will never know and get to hold and love on. The "it" is my grief that is so piercing that some days I feel like if I take one more breath that my heart may break into pieces... The "it" is what makes others uncomfortable and that "it" bothers them and that they would feel much better if I moved on.

The "it" is a strong motherly love that I have for a child I do not know. The "it" is the journey that brings me closer to my FATHER, relying on HIM and his grace, love comfort and POWER!

A cancer survivor may have visible scars of their sufferings and illness~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who is severely injured in a accident may have life altering disabilities~do others tell them to get over "it"?
A person who has lost their house or possessions in a natural disaster~do others tell them to get over "it"?
All of these individuals have experiences tragedy and will forever be changed by the events that caused them such grief.

But families who have lost a loved one are socially expected to get over "it". Our scars are internal...no one can see them, our pain is silent...no medicine or aspirin can help, our loss is the duration of our earthly lives. We take it with us...everywhere we go, to a baby shower for a friend, a music concert at school for the class your child should have been in, a graduation party that your child will never get to have. I invision myself in in my 90's STILL loving the children that are not with me, because that is what Mommies do...we love our "it" children even though we don't get to feel, touch, see, smell them. They are ours and no timetable others set for us will help us in our "it" journey...

Missing the Bus

It is that time of year...crisp air, digging to find one pair of jeans among the shorts...and school. The hustle and bustle of school, school supplies and the excitement of children getting back to their friends and the joy of learning new things. In my head I knew it was coming, but I kept telling myself that "no...not this year...you are adding it up wrong". But my heart knew the truth...Elijah would be racing around the house in the morning...wolfing down breakfast, shoving stuff in his bag and racing out the door...LOUDLY...I am quite sure. We who have lost loved ones always have those "days", anniversary days of the day they left us, the day of their birth, the day that they would have been, should have....gone to school. I can say that it was not nearly as painful as I in visioned this day years ago. But...still it rocked my core a little...
Sometimes, I just sit there and dream a little dream that it is just him and I and we get to do something "normal". Playing on a swing, getting groceries, or splitting a Blizzard treat. Dreaming of just sitting and listening to him talk about his friends, how he loves to play sports, and those intimate conversations about love and GOD. In my dream he has so many questions...who made me, what does God look like...How did Noah build the Ark....quickly the dream ends and I am in reality again...knowing that in eternal life...Elijah knows all the answers to those GOD questions...he is embraced by the truth everyday. He eternally lives with the knowledge that most 5 year old don't have. Getting to praise the one true GOD-Live and in person.

When tragedy happens,..that is when the should, have, could have and whys come into the mind...the doubt, the guilt, the fear. Those are all from the evil one.
But also comes the MIRACLE'S...the miracle's... They are all from HIM.

We all hear about the miracle's of a child having cancer and then going it a doctors visit and BAM...it is gone...a miracle.

The family that is losing their home...then...BAM...they get a check in the mail or a glitch in the system allows them to keep their home.

Those are all done in his glory...yes...tradgety does happen and he allows this broken world to work its course... giving a different road for his glory to be shown...slower, more intense and often with many sad and grief filled days to get to the finally destination of seeing that he is the one true GOD and he is wonderful in ALL THINGS...but he also does allow a shorter road for his glory to me shown and that is when miracles happen...things that only can be explained by the presence and power of GOD.

Years ago after my son had died, my daughter and I were going to go into town...as I got on the interstate, and was in a hurry as I always am...there was a slow dump truck in front of me...and I was going to pass...but a voice in my head said..slow down and take your time...as I decided to not pass a semi-truck passed me and the dump truck in front of me...as he went to pass the dump truck...he pulled over to quickly and hit the dump truck in front of me and the semi rolled and went into the ditch...the truck in front of me got stopped and I got stopped and did not hit him...MIRICLE...the dump truck driver was ok...MIRICLE...the semi driver was alive and ok...MIRICLE...and no one else driving on the interstate was hurt because of traffic being at a stand still...MIRACLE... If only one thing would have been different...a second, a minute...a turn here or there...or if I would have passed that dump truck...it would have been my car that the semi hit and not a big dump truck...MIRACLE. We may never see his total plan or thought for this that happen as long as we are here and not standing before him...looked at this passage this week...and seemed to fit all my thoughts this week about his ways are always not our own...and shows that he is truly bigger and more powerful than we can even imagine.

Isaiah 55:8-13 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

Just when I think that I have this whole "grief thing" figured out...BAM...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It could be a verse, something someone says..in this case a book that was given to me...and the worst...having someone I know also become a SISTER in this journey. Just got news that a family in our church, had their son fly to Jesus this weekend...she had shared that they knew that would be the case, but still not easy to hear about or understand. I have had a flood of emotions today for them as I am sympathizing with them ...REMEMBERING.
Remembering the crushing pain in my heart
Trying to memorize every tiny detail of my baby. Smells, touch, his fingers, his toes and how I wished I could look into his eyes and have him see the love in my eyes for him...just once.
Having such joy and pain all at the same time
Praying for one more minute...just one more.
Knowing life as I knew it would never be the same.


The thing that beaks my heart not only that I endured this but knowing that another family also is filled with such grief. and that leaving that hospital without their baby was the hardest thing they probably will ever have to. WHY, I cry out to HIM...WHY...I don't understand.

As I am sitting here asking the whys of which I don't have any answers to.

These are the things I do know that I have been given out of the unknowns.
I know that GOD the Father, Son and Holy Spirit were with me that day in the hospital.
I know that people we knew and didn't know prayed for us and we felt it.
I know that God is OK when I ask the whys, I am of course HIS child and that is what children do with their Fathers.
I know that as my water broke, God graced me with his truth to believe in him and his ways and that I am NOT to truly understand them or HIM..as he whispered "trust me" sweetly with a soft and warm embrace.

Please pray for this family and the many like them.( won't give names...but pretty sure God knows who you are praying for) Pray for God to embrace them and not let go, to have this little child and the faith that his parents have be a witness to the grace and love of God. That many will come to know God in an intimate way through this little child and the family that loves him so very much.

Bloggeritis

I have definitely been slowing down on my Blogging frequency of entries...sometimes I think I have TOOOOO much going on in my head to write about any ONE thing.
This winter was brutal and long...so I was not able to get out to the cemetery barely at all...Before this last couple of weeks weather warm up...there was a 3-4foot drift right over his headstone and no possible way to make it there to scoop it off...talk about guilt as to not being able to do those little things, the only things that I can do to be a mommy to him. Crazy I know...but I gave up years ago trying to figure out my emotions and/when/why I feel certain ways...they are what they are and I have little control or reasoning to them...grief does weird things to you.

His gifts of HOPE

God always gives you what you need when you need it...that is for sure.
Winter has been long...way to long, and my spirits have been down...no sun, cold weather, and busy life makes me one tired, and worn-out gal...and still struggling with my Iron levels so that adds to the tiredness.
We also have heard news that someone we know will need to have surgery soon. Which just has made me feel helpless and sad. But HE once again fills me with his hope.
Not saying it was a "sign" but I do know that GOD is in control of ALL his creatures and happened to place this one in my path.
On the way back from town yesterday...an eagle flew right over us...WOW...what an amazing sight...you may be thinking...so..who cares...but eagles are special to me. After our son died...one crisp and EARLY morning, my husband had woken me up to show me the eagle in our neighbors tree. As it flew over us, you could feel the true power and mightiness of the beautiful creature. AND a HOPE for something that we can't truly touch or control...LIFE on this earth. So when I saw the eagle yesterday, it was truly a gift and reminder in HIS power, love and sign of HOPE. HOPE in everything, not just when you get your way or a prayer answered, but especially when you don't. He and only he knows what the best plan to every request is.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.