It has taken a long time to truly allow the joy back into my life. WITHOUT GUILT. Loss sucks!!!! There is no "eloquent" way to put it. It consumes, suffocates and at times...stops you from living. Sometimes, when I would hear a joke and start to smirk...guilt would set in...a voice saying, "what kind of mom are you that your babies are dead and your laughing at a stupid joke." Now realizing that was Satan speaking in my ear, Yeah...I don't listen to his UNtruths.
I know there is a time for everything. A time to lay in bed or wallow, but there is also a time for JOY...a simple thing to most, but I have struggled. I wrote about a year ago about the Mason Jar that I was placing things in, to remind me of life, the gifts the father gives me and that I was still alive and allowing myself to have Joy once again.
Things in my jar...a receipt for groceries...he provides
A rock my son had given me...he provides
School pictures of my daughter...he provides
A buckeye nut from my parents yard...representing I
survived another fall...he provides
As the jar has slowly started to fill up...so has my heart and life. As I would look through the old blueish glass...I could not deny my life was full, just like my Jar of Joy...
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
AMEN FATHER, your truths strike my heart like an arrow...allowing the untruths to escape, making room for the love and comfort of your words and path you prepare for me.
